The word is VALUE. Do you have any?

     On to something new I say! I am packing up and leaving in the morning for my newest adventure. I really enjoy adventure and I tend to have my share of them. I have moved many many times in the past few years and have not stayed anywhere for longer than ten months at a time! I am something of a gypsy and I get antsy when I sit still. My newest adventure is a little bit intimidating because for once I am not going into it thinking of when I will leave it for the next one. It is very stable, and honestly I'm not used to stable. I'm used to doing things that are not meant to be forever things. Though I doubt I will do this new thing forever  I feel like I will be in this new place for awhile. (In fact my address will even be changed on my license. That is quite serious for me!) But this is not meant to be a rant about new beginnings... It is meant to be a rant about people and relationships. 


     In going into this new life I am very excited but at the same time I have a very empty feeling within me. I have lost so many people in the past year. Whether it be truly losing them or just losing touch with them. I get quite attached to people and I tend to care deeply. I sometimes regret these character traits of mine because I have felt so very empty over this past year saying goodbye to one after the other. Honestly it makes me a bit cynical toward allowing new people to obtain my affections.  The effort all these relationships have taken out of me has brought me a great deal of pain and maybe even a little bitterness.


     Today I was having lunch with a dear old friend and we were actually discussing all these things. We are rather similar which may be why we have remained such good friends for so long. We value our family and friends highly above most other things. In my mind this seems like a good thing... but why does it seem like in this age we are really supposed to be seeking out our best interests rather than building lasting relationships? Why does it seem that tasks and position are valued over people?


     I've been thinking about this a lot lately and one thing I've thought about are woman in society today... What comes to mind when you think of an accomplished woman? In my mind I see a woman who knows how to care about others. A woman who has an elegant confidence and is conscious  of how she effects others . The women we value these days however are the take charge types. The media is full of woman who use their sexuality and ruthlessness to obtain whatever they want. We praise these woman. We lift them up as the model for what a woman should be. Men are presented in the media as either selfish and irresponsible or as controlled by the women in their lives. I think of these things and I can't help but think of my nieces and nephew and how these are the figures that will influence them. It just makes me sad. 


     We allow ourselves to be consumed with self. We allow ourselves to be petty about things that honestly don't matter. We mistreat others and praise ourselves. We seek favor with others so that we may get ahead. And this a description of Christians...these traits don't look a thing like Christ. 


     I know this has been quite a ramble but I suppose my main point is that the art of valuing others has been almost lost. We no longer respect the person. We respect the position. We no longer seek to be ladies. We seek to be antagonist, to prey on others. We no longer allow our men to be leaders. We belittle them. We no longer think of the example we are setting... but the next generation will learn from us. Friendships are more for elevation rather than for mutual encouragement. The art of respect and kindness could greatly help our current situation. 


     I'm really excited about my new beginning even though I have been made sad. But to allow myself to be bitter and shut others out is my choice. It is not something I can be made into. I cannot blame a bad friendship for making me a bad friend. I cannot blame a man for not being a gentleman if I have not been a lady. I cannot blame the next generation if I have taught them nothing of value. I cannot demand respect if I am not respectful. I cannot follow Christ without imitating His steps. I am called to value others above myself and that mean to care deeply even when it seems others do not. I may not be able to change the world in doing this but I cannot allow the world to change me.

Gandhi once said...

      I think I have mentioned before that I am rather terrible at expressing myself. I always tend to say things in a way that I don't mean them! Like today I was talking to my brother and his girl about religion, books and all of the other random things we talk about. The last thing I want to do is discourage my family from church, but I have found in the past couple of years I have been a little discouraged when it come to "religious" people. I have mentioned before my issues with having an open mind when it comes to "closed minded" people (I know irony). The thing is I have a passion against the religious mindset. The mindset that there is a set of rules that must be followed. Or that there is a specific denomination that knows the way to heaven or whatever else the religious set is convinced of. Gosh even now I feel like I'm saying the wrong things. Bare with me and I will try and explain.


     I most definitely seek to be a Christian. I believe the gospel. Jesus came to save us from our sins. (That being the gospel in a nutshell). But here's what I think we miss. Jesus didn't just do us this great favor of opening the gate to heaven and if we try hard enough we will get there... Here's the way I see it. From the beginning God created us to have a RELATIONSHIP with him. In the beginning Adam and Eve walked and talked with God. Now no surprise we ended up getting distracted by discontent and separated ourselves from God. However, the whole old testament shows God not only as a god of judgment and wrath but as a God of pursuit. But what about all the things that we read of and think "now why would God allow that to happen" or "yeesh that seems a little harsh"? Well I don't claim to know. God explains that He is a god of justice and I just have to believe that. But in so much of it, even the really terrible things, I see that it was all in pursuit of us. It was a pursuit of the relationship that we turned away from in the beginning. So God gently and not so gently sought to show his people that he is God and that he is to be worshiped above all else. We still turn away and we ignore him. So He seeks to remind His people of who he is and he gives them the law... Well they start to do ok with this instruction manual they have been given. The problem is we now depend on our own obedience of the law to ensure our salvation. Well we get to Jesus  and He has come to fulfill the law so that we can gratefully realize that all God want's (and has ever wanted) is a relationship with his creation. Relationship as it should be full of the things of God (Love, Joy, Patience, Gentleness, Meekness, Self-Control...) Well we have been doing this law stuff for a LONG time and we are pretty used to it. So we don't want to give it up... So in essence we are still trying to please God by doing things that are no longer necessarily because they have been fulfilled by Jesus. So now all our works are void. This is where we stopped I think. Jesus spent a lot of time teaching against religion. That's why the religious leaders hated him. He was saying that all of there efforts were now worthless. They hated that because if all you needed was a relationship with God then that meant that they were on the same level as everyone else. How can you judge if you are the same as everyone? 


     In saying all that I guess the point I am trying to get at is that we are in a never ending cycle. Either we are at the point of being discontent and seeking other god's... or we are so caught up in what we can and can't do. Religion is this to me... It is a state of seeking to be good enough. To pursue "perfection". Now religious people may be some of the most moral people that you may know... There's nothing wrong with having morals. The problem is when we focus so hard on the rules we miss out on the relationship. Jesus told us to "come follow me". And we teach that in our churches. Then we come up with all these formula bible studies to attempt to "look like Jesus". What we miss is what Jesus looked like. Jesus hung out with the down and out. He was so outside the norm of his time. People didn't always think highly of him... a lot of people thought he was a drunk or crazy. He didn't fit in. He didn't pay attention to all the religious practices. People came first to him no matter where they were at (in church or not) Jesus never would turn someone away because of their appearance or previous choices. He did not snub others because they didn't follow the same rules as him.


     Gandhi once said "I love your Christ but I hate your Christians". Some people will be really upset that I quoted a man such as Gandhi because that is taboo in being a religious christian.  So they will probably ignore how very sad that statement is. Christian means little Christ... If this man can honestly say that He loved Christ but not the people that are supposed to be representing Christ we should be asking where we are going wrong! I have watched too many religious christian's drive people away from Christ because they didn't fit the mold religion has created. This is unacceptable. 


     So maybe we should re-examine our goals. If we are focused on effort rather than seeking  then something is wrong. If we are giving up on people because we think they could never "change their ways" then something is wrong. If we are more focused on our appearance than Christ's appearance then something is wrong. Everyone's relationship with Christ is their own. It is between them and God. We have no room to judge what God may be speaking in their lives. I am not even allowed to judge "closed minded" people. That is not my place. My place is allowing Christ to cultivate a relationship with me. He will teach me in ways that others may not understand. My place is also to love others because I am seeking to be like Christ and He IS love.


     I hope some of that made sense and you got what I was trying to convey. I struggle with anger against religious christianity because I have seen it hurt so many people I love. God will heal my heart from this and I will learn to love them as Christ does. However, I stand firm in my conviction that we are meant to be Christ followers and not rule followers. I will study the life of Christ and who He is not someone else's idea of what a christian should be.

Counted

        I've been in kind of a funk for the past week or so. I'm not really sure why. I've been missing people and just antsy. I'm no good at letting go of things. I get so very attached to people and places. I'm also no good at unemployment. Being in between jobs has been driving me crazy. I'm used to doing not waiting. So to help me out with this funk I've decided to think of all the things I'm happy to have.


     I've been incredibly blessed in my life and I sometimes do a good job at forgetting that. My family is something I am so very grateful for. We are sometimes an odd bunch. Like me my family doesn't always talk about things. We tend to work through things in our own way. But we are really good at being a family. We don't really fight ever. Probably because we are mostly pretty passive but it works for us. We just work and that is something I love. We have these kind of unspoken family traditions...

My oldest brother brings us food :) You can see why he is dear to my heart. He hunts and fishes and feeds us so it all works out for us. Usually when he feeds us we get the stories and I really like listening to the stories. We also spend a lot of evenings with his family watching his son play whatever sport is in season. That's our tradition with my oldest brother.

My oldest sister and I just so happen to be a lot like our mother. So a lot like each other too. We tend to spend quiet evenings reading or taking pictures (sharing pictures). We like doing crafty things. We like to eat! (And they are good cooks) We watch old movies and talk. But my favorite thing that we do is just being able to sit around quietly. We don't have to talk constantly which is nice.

These two jokers are my other brothers. Our tradition is a lot more grounded. We watch movies. I never actually pick... well I kind of do because I know their tastes so well. Every time I come home we go watch the newest Tim Burton or Martin Scorsese. This year we have added two new members to our little movie club, their girlfriends. I am now a fifth wheel but also a founder of the club so I feel good about the changes :) Plus no one could really love and talk about these movies with my brothers like I can!

 My last sister is probably the most animated out of all of us. She has always had this crazy sparkle about her. Our traditions are watching her kids while talking about plans that are just crazy enough to maybe happen and we talk about guys :) Well she talks about guys and I listen since I usually have nothing to share. It's her sparkle factor!










That's my family and that's just one of the things that make me happy. My nephews and nieces and extended family are included in that! I love spending time at my grandma's house. We get together several times a year. It's my mom's side and she comes from a farely large family. Get togethers are spent eating good food and just sitting around talking about life. This is something I love.


I love my hobbies. I'm not exactly obsessed with anything in particular. I tend to go from one thing to the next. I like to paint, sew, write, read, do outdoorsy stuff, photography, dancing... I like a lot of things. 


I love simple things. I love the smell before it rains, fresh cut grass, the sweetness of spring and the crispness of fall. I love sunsets, sunrises, thunderstorms and rainy days. I like to ride with the windows down and the radio on while driving down familiar dirt roads. I like the beach and attempting to body board. I love that I grew up by a lake. I love the country and I love some cities. 


I can think of so many things that make me happy and I could go on and on. I haven't even talked about friendships and ministry. I realize that this blog post is entirely selfish. But sometimes I just need a boost and I realize that other people do too. I hope if nothing else this has reminded you to count your blessings. 

   

                           

Crowded Wagons

     There seems to be a lot of messages and causes in our world these days. Every time I get on my Facebook page or any form of media, for that matter, I am bombarded by things I should care about... I'm afraid I've never been much of a joiner and though I see all of these noble causes that I should really get involved with it just hasn't been for me. I've gone through phases of remembering to write love on my arms on the correct day or wearing different bracelets or t-shirts but nothing seems to stick with me. It's not because I don't care. I do, but I have this terrible terrible tendency to NOT want to jump on the band wagon. I'm just not a fan of crowded wagons...


     Here's something I've been thinking about for the last few hours... but first it all started when I watched this video (Which I had been avoiding because it is all over Facebook and it looked band wagon-y) 

     So I hope you watched it because it is beyond inspiring! The kind of love that must take on both of their parts. For her to care for him and take his disabilities as her own, to give up young dreams... and for him to nourish her spiritually even when it must be so hard for him to know that he can't take care of her in physical ways... that is love and it is inspiring.

     I've been thinking about them since I watched this video and I put myself in their shoes... Could I do that? I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle that as well as they have. I'm afraid I would be to selfish. But through their suffering they are bringing glory to God. That is their cause. It's not about their hardships. It's not about creating awareness for their hardships. It is about seeing God in it all. Amazing amazing people. They are not my cause, though I find their story to be so encouraging and worthy of support. My cause is a lot like theirs. It's exactly like theirs in fact. My cause is Christ and bringing him glory. To bring Him glory in my happy moments, in my hardships, in times that I don't understand. 

     I went on a blog tangent after seeing this video and reading some of their blog posts. I read a friends blog where she talked about her desire for a renewed passion for Christ. And I realized I wanted that too. I feel like I'm slipping so often. I'm not where I was and I can't figure out if that's good or bad. I miss my naive self. I miss the me that was so very happy and hopeful. I miss my lofty ideas. I miss the way I knew what was right without question. Life has changed and it has changed me. My OCD nature sees this as a failure. My new sense of accepting myself sees this as growth, as a chance for God to work in me. So in realizing that I wanted a renewed passion and that I am exactly where God wants me to be personally, I came to the conclusion (and so did my friend in her blog) that I will not be able to renew my passion for Christ by shear effort. God is the one who creates the passion. He created the desire in my heart for that passion... for Him. Yes I should probably spend more time seeking him and less time seeking others approval or recognition. I should spend more time seeking Him than my dreams for the future. I should just spend more time seeking Him.

     Possible reasons why I don't seek him??? 

Maybe I'm scared He will hurt me?

     Yep that sounds super weird and I'm almost sad that I typed it, but carry on I must. I'm afraid that He will do what I ask him (See "And I am Glad"). I'm scared that He won't do what I ask. I'm scared of what He will ask of me. I'm scared He will ask me to do it alone. I'm scared that any of this could make me bitter. I really want to love God, but I'm scared that I won't be any good at it.

If I seek Him I can't seek other things?

     Once again weird. I want so so many things that I'm afraid that He won't let me pursue. Or that He won't let pursue me.... So if I just don't get His opinion I can feign innocence right? 

I have already failed?

     I am convinced I am OCD because I can't get past the whole "Kaytha is a screw up" thing. Somehow I get it in my mind that I am so "powerful" that my actions can't be overcome by a truly all powerful God. Who, by the way, created this "screw up".

     Those are just a few of the things that have been or are issues for me. There's a simple fix to all of these issues... They are all birthed from being afraid... but "God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and self discipline" - 2 Timothy 1:7 And that is just one of the verses where God assures us that it is not out of our power but His.

     In all of this thought processing I thought about all of the woman I've always admired.

Mother Teresa. I don't think I really have to say why I admire her. She once said "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." In her life she did great things, but she did this by doing small things with great love.

Audrey Hepburn. I don't really know if this classy lady had a passion for Christ. I hope she did. She once said "For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."   She had some hard knocks but in her later life she did some amazing things for children in need.

                         Amy Carmichael. “You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.” 

“It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires which He creates"

An amazing woman who served, so faithfully, (by herself!) children in India.

 My Mom! She has always been the perfect example of what a wife and mother should be. Through my Dad's illness she always said "We will not feel sorry for ourselves. No matter how badly we are hurting there is someone else out there who is hurting more than us."

     Strong independent woman who loved more than they were loved, gave more than they were given, and trusted in something outside of themselves for their strength (My mom still does all these things) You can see why they are worthy of admiration. I suppose through all of these thoughts God is teaching me that my cause is for Him first, then to love and serve others. My cause is to be kind and compassionate. My cause is to see the good in others that is not easily seen. My cause is to be like Him. 

     Though I wish I had the focus and the passion to jump on worthy band wagons, I now see that the only cause worth pursuing is the cause of Christ. He creates my passion, He created the things that I pursue. He created my personality and He has a purpose that I alone can serve. More promises that fulfill me, renew my passion and give me a sense of hope. :)

Thanks to Bob and Adele

     I want to start out today by explaining "Que Sera Sera" and it's importance to me. Simply put it is a song my Mom always sings to me anytime I'm worried about something or being difficult about things. It's terribly cliche because in the song itself it talks about a mother singing it to her daughter but I absolutely love it because it reminds me of my Mom.

     Que Sera Sera's literal meaning is "Whatever will be will be". I definitely Googled it and Wikipedia tells me (for whatever that is worth) that it is derived from Spanish words used in English Syntax. So it is basically a hybrid phrase that wouldn't hold up anywhere.The point of opening this blog like this is because I want to talk a little bit about some thoughts and they just so happen to tie into the phrase. 

     I am ridiculously passive. I hate confrontation. I hate being angry. I laugh with just about every emotion because I am no good at handling any emotion but happy. Some of my most hated memories are times I've cried in front of people or have gotten angry in front of them. I tend to lean toward a hippy mentality in a way and sometimes I blame it on the "Que Sera Sera" mentality that has been driven into me since birth. My tendency is to look at confrontation as something that can be avoided after a thorough investigation of what I might need to change in my own attitude. Now that might sound noble or whatever, but I'm starting to see it as an excuse because I am afraid of confrontation in itself. As I said before I'm the youngest of six so I'm definitely not used to winning! So really my point is that I have discovered that I would much rather love people despite their faults, see their strengths and just be open minded. I love the idea of open mindedness. Whether that is actually possible I do not know because my tendency is to be open minded towards everyone but closed minded people... I have a hard time with them. So the closed minded circle is completed by me ironically!

     So here's the thing, that all sounds just peachy. Way to go Kaytha you have found the meaning of life with your long flowy hair and love for herbal tea! (I really do like herbal tea A LOT!) Now really let's get to the heart of the issue... while these ideas are very fine and dandy, and yes they will probably always hold weight with me, here's something I've realized. If something makes me truly angry that's when I know I care about it the most. Gasp! Wait that seems completely against my ideals right? Well yes and no. In the past 3 years I have seen a major change in me.

     When I first started working for the ministry I mentioned before, I was ridiculously chill. Not much really made me angry. I liked people there. I had just come from a place of people I thought to be narrow minded (and maybe they were... I don't really care that much now) so this new place was like heaven. My co-workers used to ask what would make me angry and they would actually try to be the one to make me angry. Well in the following 3 years they succeeded at times and they saw just how human I could be. Because for all my ideals that didn't change the fact that I am human and humans deal with these very inconvenient things called emotions.  

     I see now that I have always lived in state where emotional stability was my number one goal. It wasn't something I grew up around. My family could get pretty emotional (like any other family I suppose) and I didn't like it . So my goal since youth, because I have always been a people pleaser and a tad OCD (When it comes to myself) , was to be completely stable emotionally. That is something I think I have always known about myself but haven't known how to express, even to myself. But the problem is my emotional stability was a cheap imitation because I didn't allow myself any type of filter. So what happens when you don't have a filter? Eventually you blow up. So, though I have not lived a constant life of crazy emotions, I have blown up quite a few times. 

     Where's the balance I ask? Well here's a shocker even to me. I have great ideals. I think that I am beyond fair with people except for one person... Myself. I'm a complete jerk to me. And in my perfectionist mind I have made a list of what I should be and also a list of everywhere that I fail. I let other people be exactly who they are but I can't allow myself to really open up and be who I am.... Crazy stuff!

     So here's where it changed. One of my dear friends told me once that when I (specifically me) was angry about things that was the point where I really cared. I waved that off because I DON'T LIKE BEING ANGRY. But over the past couple of months I have fought anger. And at one point I became angry because I felt "misunderstood" (laughter). Then I saw what my friend meant and it made me super happy because that meant that I was beginning to really care about MYSELF.

     Now I might really not like getting angry (I'm pretty sure that's true). That's ok. That's who I am. I might like to see the good in others. That's ok. as long as I see the good in me too. I might avoid showing emotion. That's ok. As long as I deal with things. So in just the past few weeks... well really just a week and a half I have done some major... Changing? Soul searching? Yoda inspired therapy? I have no idea what to call it. The point is I've taking hobbies back up that seemed pointless because they didn't really fit the mold I was going for. For one I'm writing again and I didn't think I had anything worth saying (and maybe I don't but that's ok by me), I'm drawing again (considering painting again), I'm reading like crazy,I'm into photography, music (I'm playing the piano again and thinking about re-stringing my violin) I'm working out??? Yeah I actually am getting some exercise in! In fact I found roller blades today which I am super stoked about, but that's besides the point. I'm thinking about taking up yoga or something fun and cliche.I watch way to many episodes of Gilmore Girls. I'm not pining after anyone and I'm actually enjoying independence (though I am a girl and that is always subject to change)! I'm mostly content (as content as humans can be). I guess the point is I'm allowing myself to be happy. And happy with the things that aren't how I planned them but are how things are. Sounds hippy? Good it will go with my ideals then!

     Waiting for the God part? Why yes there is one. God made me special and He loves me very much!                  (Same goes for you!!!)

     So in thinking of a name for this post I thought about music. Now I'm a big music fan... I'm not that knowledgeable about music but like most things in my life I'm not all that picky. If I like the sound I like it! In saying that I was thinking of the tone of the blog and it's almost like two extremes of music... you have my chilled out Bob Marley self who proclaims "don't worry bout a thing" and you have my "we could have had it all" Adele side. I honestly like them both. (Not sure if that's ok to say but I'm becoming a big fan of honesty.)  Hence, the title Bob Marley vs. Adele. For some there is no comparison... That's fine. That's what respect is for. Laughter :) I guess what I'm really trying to say is I'm going to have really happy times and really sad times, angry times too. That's life and I think maybe I'm finally ok with admitting that. So Thank you Bob and Adele for your parts in life!

Fine Fellows

     So I know this post is really soon but I might be a little bit obsessed. Also, I think to much... so as I was thinking on my daily walk tonight I thought "I should blog this". So here we go!


     This adorable child to the right of the screen just so happens to be one of my hero's. This is my five year old nephew Trystan in a photo that I took around Easter (I'm thinking that I really like photography now... but that's besides the point.) He is one of my hero's because 


1. I've never seen a little boy who adores his mamma and sissy more.
2. He has gone through a lot in his short little life and he has a strength that is indescribable.
3. He always knows what to say to make a lady feel better.
4. I just love him.


     When my Dad passed away a few months ago this little boy came into the room where my mom, sister (his mom) and I sat by my Dad's bedside. His mom explained to him that Gramps had gone to heaven and he wouldn't be with us all the time anymore. Trystan took this in quietly and then did one of the most caring things I've ever seen. He crawled into his grandma's lap and gave a very sincere speech. He said "I'm going to take care of you now Grandma." Which made us all cry and that made him go to me and then his mom and assure us that he would take care of us too.


     I shared all of this because I was thinking about it tonight and realized that my five year old nephew took a responsibility that most girls (Let's be honest, AND woman) believe only exists in fairy tales. It's true that he really doesn't know what the full weight of his words could mean had he really been capable of "taking care of us".  However, thinking about this made me realize that this is exactly what most ladies are missing out on....


     This is NOT a bash on men by any means. I feel that we ladies do need to take responsibility for some of the "decline" of chivalry. (Which "the decline" is not ENTIRELY true. I know there are some very nice fellows out there.) But after losing my dad I realized something... I had just lost a huge piece of my security. Now I have always been a farely independent person. But even though I didn't actually depend on my dad for my financial or even my emotional needs, when he was gone I no longer had that security that had always been. I didn't know I depended on him but I did. Just knowing he would be there made me secure. 

(This is a photo I took of my brother and his little girls boots while they were camping) 
    During my walk I also started thinking of my four year old niece Abby. She and I spent some time together earlier in the afternoon and she talked the whole time. She asked me so many questions about my "interesting" life and my friends. But I noticed that she talked very often about her daddy (my brother). Now my brother and his wife are great parents. Their children are very well behaved and respectful. However, when it comes to his little girl my brother can be a bit... lax. He lets her get away with a bit more then their oldest boy ever did because he adores her and she can do no wrong. Which anyone can see the feeling is mutual. I listened to my niece casually talk about how her daddy would know that. Or her daddy did this or that. There was such an obvious and untainted love for her daddy just in the way she spoke and the expression on her beautiful little face.      


      So I'll admit I've been a bit lost without my Dad. And I've craved a relationship to replace what I had lost. Now I know how that sounds... but not necessarily a romantic relationship (though honestly I think that would be nice!), but just a relationship that made me feel secure. Maybe another father figure. I don't really know. I'm just now figuring these things out.


     I suppose that's one reason I'm writing this is to give a standing ovation to all the ladies I know that are "on their own". We definitely can't help that we crave to be taken care of. But so many lovely woman I know have had to make it on their own. They haven't been able to count on the men in their live or they have just lost them. I admire all of you ladies that have handled all of these things with such grace and poise.... I'm having a major Pat Banater moment and I want to burst into song! ("We are young. heartache to heartache we stand.") Laughter :)


      Also, I hope if any gents read this... It might encourage you to see the woman in your life a bit differently. See them as the gift God intended them to be to you and know that she probably depends on you. I know we are not always great examples of the gift that God intended us to be but be patient with us and hopefully we ladies will be patient too. And also thank you to all of you great fathers, brothers, husbands and sons! You shape our lives.


     In saying all of these things (and gosh I hope some of this made sense!) I have processed for myself and realized... We were made this way for a purpose. And yes once again it is to draw us to Christ and not to any man. God gives us these men in our lives, fathers, brothers, husbands, sons, to give us just a tiny taste of how he will care for us like a father, be there for us like a brother, share life with us like a husband and adore us like a son. No we don't always get to have all of these examples of God's love but we do get to have God! And that, my friends, makes me feel secure.

     I will continue to miss my dad. That is inevitable. I will probably continue to crave relationships too. But as long as I know I am secure in Christ all else will fall into place. This is a promise I will hold on to.


    

And I am Glad

     There is something so very artistic and freeing about writing. And for me this is a big deal because I am neither artistic or always free. I have realized in my short years of living that I would be mainly seen as one who lives on the cautious side of life... as I type this my mind is vehemently in denile. I have lived a bit, my mind argues, there hasn't really been a time that I have not been seeking the next move or the new adventure... But at the same time I have been safe. While I do love to move about and try new things I have crippled myself by observing the opinions of others perhaps more than I should. As a self diagnosed people pleaser I have always felt the need to be wild enough to satisfy the cravings of my soul for freedom and adventure but also timid enough as to not upset anyone. These things have always been in the back of my head. I've known my traits and have excused them for quite some time now. And this is something I would like to discuss or rather the realization that has come to me recently and is even coming as I type!
     I grew up with quite an obsession with perfection. If I could truly self diagnose I would call myself a bit OCD. I was one with a plan, always a plan. However, I had a meaningful change in high school... or more towards the end of it I should say. See I became something that proved to be very special in my life. I became a Christ follower. Now before you scoff or stop reading I am desperate to show you that it isn't all bad. I am by no means here to judge anyone or to preach. I am here to share my thoughts on life. My life just so happens to include a lot of Jesus. I was raised in the church. Both parents wonderful people who did their best the same as any other parents. I was the youngest of six and in being such I learned early on what not to be if I were to make people happy. And if people were happy then I would be happy. I lived in this confused state for a good bit of time and let me tell you I was a good kid. It took some very special people to open my eyes just a tiny bit to what I was missing out on. I learned so much during those important high school years. I learned about self sacrifice, I learned about friendships, I learned about myself and things I needed to let go of and most importantly I learned about planning. Now planning is not all bad... but I have since given up on making my own plans because life has an interesting way of taking you where it wants you anyway. I became very much aware of my need for a savior and I found who I was looking for in Christ. So like any young "radical" (as I thought I was at the time) I bought into all the things I believed I needed to do. And the main thing I decided, thanks to a trip to super summer and going crazy about Jeff Johnson's then new song "Ruin Me", was that I would ask God to ruin my plans and take me where he wanted me. So I did this but somehow I thought that God and I had already discussed what was best for me and that included the planned 4 years in college to become a Journalist who traveled, did mission work and took at least one semester to study abroad and write a book before settling down to a life of "CHRISTIAN" bliss with a husband and kids and still a great adventuress life that would be captured by the pages I would produce. Oh goodness that makes me laugh now and that was only five years ago. Well I got what I asked for... come sophomore year my plans would be dashed against the rocks of reality or as I like to think divine intervention. God took me away from those goals and allowed me to enter the mission field without a shiny degree. Now the way God did that and is doing that has been very very painful. I have just now come to grips that maybe college isn't in the plan (even though I think I want it to be so badly) a husband and kids might not be in the plan either at least perhaps none of my own. I've had times when I've been completely lost and without any hope of direction. Other times I have seen doors open that I had no idea where they would lead and I can honestly say I have entered most of them. But this post was not meant to be all about my past... It was meant to be about my future.
     I spent the last couple of years working in a ministry that I have truly loved. I have felt a call to it and have received radical blessings in that place. I have pursued school off and on for the last four years and have just recently been seeing how maybe God is taking me in a different direction and maybe the end goal won't be journalism after all. I feel that I have come to a stop sign in my life and have been allowed to choose a new direction or simply stay where I am at. I can see myself as a writer. I love it. But I cannot see myself in the life I once imagined. I want so badly to be helpful to others. I have no idea what that looks like at the moment and maybe that will be through writing. One thing I do know is I want to learn to love, care for and serve others the way I see that Jesus did. I feel like perhaps He is opening some doors that I hadn't expected in that area (perhaps more on that later). 
     Well as a wise friend once told me (very recently in fact), " When Jesus calls, you jump". And that is exactly what I am striving to do and also that is something I feel will and has been a theme for my life. I am starting something new and it is beyond exciting. Sometimes I still feel like my plans would have been grander and that perhaps God wouldn't mind a slight detour from wherever he is taking me. But I know that God gave me a desire for perfection and for pleasing others for a reason... Because something I've realized is I am seeking the only perfection that is true and that is Him and though it has and will be a long journey my desire to please people is slowly but surely becoming a desire to please Him. 
     Now my jump right now seems so very minuscule to me at the moment and I have been frustrated with God and my life lately (Don't worry I can say that... He already knows). It's been a hard year (Well a hard couple of years, but especially hard this year) And I may be a bit more broken (Which actually makes me more moldable I'm told), a bit sadder, a bit more likely to curse when I stub my toe, a bit less of the nice girl I started out as... but all of that is just proof that God has done what I asked him to do in that dimly lit chapel while Jeff Johnson sang out "Ruin my life. The plans that I've made. Ruin desires for my own selfish gain. Destroy the idols that have taking your place. Til it's you alone I live for. You alone I live for." Though I didn't know what those words would mean for me I still do not regret saying them. For in saying them I can see how God has fulfilled his promise and given me what I asked of him. No my life is by no means conventional and I'm sure all my married friends feel sorry for me but something I have learned is that He has made me glad even though I have not seen it everyday. God is faithful even when I forget to be.