Every Thorn

I’ve been having a hard time thinking happy thoughts here recently. I have had a hard time with life in the past couple of weeks and I was half determined to let myself sulk about all the negative things I could think of. Well here’s the thing about that. Once you begin to sulk or get depressed everything can’t help but begin to look up, where else could it go if you are already so far down. So anyway I had succumbed to my loneliness and was on the verge of complete emotional ruin when… things began to look up.

I have mentioned before how all of my friends/family here are married with kids or kids on the way… well back then it didn’t really bug me… until it did. You see I spent the first month of my life here just enjoying all the newness around me. I was setting up shop I guess you could say… I had sort of just let my heart be hurt so I was definitely not looking for that again. I was content with ignoring the fact that I was “alone”. Well after awhile I began to notice it and at first it didn’t bother me. But then I felt more and more like a third, fifth or seventh wheel. I felt like my singleness disrupted the happy balance of life that would otherwise exist if I were not around. Gosh I don’t really know if that makes sense or if that is completely nonsensical, but that is how I felt. I began to feel like I was a defect somehow.

I have been told over and over again that I am too picky when it comes to men. And maybe I am. But I can’t help that and I don’t know if I want to help that. I’ve always, always been afraid that I would end up settling for something I didn’t actually want and that was on my lists of things not to do. But in my increasing loneliness I wondered if maybe I should just give up on my ideals and accept what must be reality… I have been struggling with that for weeks (and I’m sure I will continue to struggle with it as the days go by) I have thought that maybe I am the problem and if I just am not good enough for the fellows that I have had interest in. And that made me come to the sinking realization of “oh great I am picky, but I choose the men that are even pickier than me.” This is probably true and God will probably bash me over the head one day just to make me see that I am looking in the wrong direction…or maybe not… whatever.

The second source to my loneliness would be not being able to find a church home. Dare I say, I think I may be even pickier when it comes to churches than I am when it comes to men. I have had the rare opportunity going into my adult life to be surrounded by a community of believers almost constantly. I’ve worked in the ministry for most of my after high school years thus far. I have always had one or two really close friends that were strong godly woman that I could count on to build me up. But moving here, I have left a lot of that behind. No I don’t work in a trying environment at all. I work with some of the happiest, kindest people I have ever known, maybe even kinder than the ones found in most ministries. I have just been lacking because I just haven’t found where I fit here. And honestly I have been so busy I haven’t had time to really get plugged in anywhere. It just seems that every church I have been to have been the wrong one. I feel like such a judgmental jerk saying that, but none of them have fit. I am looking for something so specific I’m not even sure if it exists or could exist. The problem is I had the perfect community to worship in just a few short months ago. It consisted of just a handful of people meeting together and just learning together. We were all friends so it was beyond comfortable and so very open and honest. I miss that so very much. I miss my best friends who I could just talk to. Who, no matter how stupid I was being, knew me and cared about me. Now they still exist. I haven’t lost them. But things are different and we are miles apart. Oh gosh I miss them.

I have missed my mom and siblings a lot since I’ve been here too. I guess it’s all just a compilation of that they truly can understand what is going on with me because they are going through  it too, and the simple fact that I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I want that constant everyday I’m for you; you’re for me relationship that just hasn’t been possible with so many others because they have their own friends and their own families. Where does that leave me? I can feel myself getting antsy and I even annoy myself with how crazy I get. Maybe I just am seeking attention? Am I an intruder, an outsider or maybe just someone who thinks too much? Who knows, probably the last one but moving on…

So those are all sources of my loneliness. Another I guess could be that I’m human and we get lonely sometimes. But here’s the good part, I have found some reasons to be happy about being alone. I don’t know if this has been made clear but I read a lot. I read almost anything, not quite but almost. So I have been reading this book that talks about being a Lady of God and it discusses the gift of singleness… Yep I’m going there, though even I think it’s becoming a pretty trite comfort to the single ladies. Anyway, the book states that we (as singles) have so much more time to serve than our married friends. I kind of grazed over this because really I’ve read so many articles and heard so many speakers say the exact same thing over the years… and while I mostly agree, I am getting a bit tired of people who talk about single people as if they have a fatal disease and need to be comforted. Anyway, I've talked about the Children's Shelter in previous blogs and how I have wanted to get involved. Well I finally have. Yesterday was my second day t o volunteer but my first day to hang out with the kids. It was such a blessing. I got to feed a baby for the first part which may have been a bad idea because I suffer from acute baby fever, and she was such a sweet baby. For the rest of the time I got to hang out with the 4-6 year old girls. I really didn't do much... I watched a movie with them. But the welcome they gave me was adorable. There's nothing more welcoming then ten tiny girls jumping around you trying to be the  one to hold your hand and telling you how pretty you are. The thing that I learned though was that these little girls were so resilient. Some of them probably came from terrible situations but they were able to laugh and be joyful. 

So yes, life gets me down these days. But I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there are things to be happy about even if it isn't the things you thought they would be. I may never be a mom... the thought makes me sad but I will always have the opportunity to serve others. I can work to make other people's children's lives better. I really do love my independence, and I don't know how I would get used to being with someone at this point since I'm so set in my ways... I sometimes wonder if I have just become to good at being on my own. I don't "need" anyone I just kind of want someone I guess. The thing is... I don't know what the plan is for my life... But whatever it is I'll probably learn to be ok with it and learn to make the most of it. I might even like how my life turns out.

Part of the Process

     Last night I had a dream that was half wonderful but in my waking hours it was half terrible. I dreamed that it was my wedding day and it was beautiful. I was getting married outside on a beautiful sunny day at my childhood church. There were rows and rows of chairs and none of them were empty. I was happy, very happy and I was searching the crowd. Then finally I found who I was looking for. My dad stood before me in his green button up shirt that was always a favorite of mine. He took my hand and we walked down the aisle. I never saw my groom. I never saw my dress. I just saw my dad and in my dream I was happy. I woke from that dream with a heavy heart because that dream will never be a reality. 
     A year ago today my Dad was diagnosed with the cancer that would take his life. I remember I had just  come home from a summer at working at camp. It had been a challenging summer for me. Not just at camp but in life in general. There were so many changes in my life and decisions I had to make that I didn't feel ready for. I felt completely lost. And then I got the news of my Dad's diagnoses. I remember taking it in and feeling immediate fear, which soon turned into a calm because I had heard many many diagnoses that concerned my dad throughout the years. He had suffered from several cancers among other things and he had always prevailed. A year ago today I didn't realize how serious it would be. The worst thing you can do at a time like this is use google. I did and it scared me, but I still had hope. Looking back I think I knew that this was going to be it. That this would be the last diagnoses I would ever be told concerning my dad. 
     I feel like I have aged far more than a year since then. I stayed at home for the first month trying to decide what to do. I ultimately went back to my safe haven of camp because I knew I could go home when I needed to and my dad wanted me to continue on with my life.  There are so many quiet moments where I wonder if I made the wrong choice in not staying with my dad during those months. I honestly don't know what more I could have done but I just wish I would have savored the moments I had with him. I wrote my dad a letter soon after I went back to Austin and I asked him to fight. But four months later when I watched him suffer so intensely I wished that I had never asked so much from him. A year ago today I began to grow up. A year ago today the longest and shortest 4 months began. There were several rushes home during those months. One trip of 24 hours in two days to a hospital in  Shreveport after a frightening call from home.  The last month of my dad's life I was there and I watched him decline to the point where he no longer knew me, saw me as a threat and even swung his fists when I tried to help him. I could almost carry my own father before it was over. Those were the darkest of days.
     It's strange to think now about a year ago I didn't care to have a wedding or make a big deal out of graduation or whatever. I didn't need my dad to walk me down the aisle, I would just elope if I ever got married. But today I wish more than anything that when I graduate from college I could take the traditional parents flanking the grad photo. I wish that I had my dad to walk me down the aisle in a modest outdoor wedding. I wish He could meet my kids. I wish I would have tried harder  to speak louder so my dad could hear me. To have not have ever gotten aggravated with the way he chewed or the way he would leave the blinker going after he had made his turn. I wish I would have appreciated him more and let him kiss me on the cheek even when he had scratchy whiskers. I wish I would appreciated and told him thank you for how much he had overcome with his Bipolar condition and didn't just always think of all the challenges his condition brought. I wish I had him back.
     After my dad's death I went back to work. And I thought maybe I will just heal quietly and not cause problems. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was looking for safety for security because all of that was torn from me. I was hoping for a white knight. I thought I found something or someone who could help the hurt stop but I only defrauded myself and ended up hurting more. Everyone understood. But people can understand only as long as they think they can help. I didn't know how to help myself so I had no idea how someone else could help me. Everyone understands until they don't. I would have given anything if someone could fix me but no one can. I still don't quite know what I can do to hurt less. All I know is I have to continue to live my life. I have questioned everything in the past few months. My faith, my relationships, my morals. I have been so lonely at times and so very frightened. But I am told that this is all just part of the process.
     Now I don't want this to be a huge downer. I needed to type this all out because I don't allow myself to hurt enough or think through it all enough. Some blessings that have come out of all the pain are as follows. My family has become a much tighter core in my life. We check up on each other, we care for each other. I have watched my brother's take care of my mom and their families, even start new families. I couldn't be prouder of them. My sister is healing from so many hurts and God has sent her so many comforts. Maybe even a white knight? :) Even though we lost our dad God has reminded us that he has promised new life and I will get to welcome a new nephew or niece in February. I have become so much stronger. I have learned not to take my family for granted and I'm finally doing things that I have always wanted. One thing my Dad said before he passed was to a missionary friend of our families. He said that his daughter Kaytha (ME!) was a missionary too. He said this with so much pride that I have carried those words in my heart for the past year. My dad loved me, he was proud of me and I value those things more than any perfect childhood or being the daddies girl that I wasn't. I learned that though I questioned everything I had nothing if I didn't have my faith. Through my loneliness I am learning that Christ will never abandon me. Though I fear the times that I will lose others that I love I now know that I will survive. Time marches on, and I have been given a chance to treasure the ones I love. A year ago today I could have given up but by God's grace I am still standing.