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     As I look back on my blog posts I see someone who I once loved to be. I wasn't always secure but I had strong beliefs and through everything I defended them. I haven't wrote in almost six months not even journaling. And those who knew me well would be shocked by that, for I once journaled daily. I suppose I have falling down that all powerful slippery slope and to be honest I no longer know what I believe. A sad sad truth I suppose but still a truth. I have had so much hurt and pain welling up inside of me for so very long and I suppose I can no longer overcome it. If I could go back I would or I wouldn't I'm not entirely sure. Because back is where I let people use and hurt me. Now I suppose I only hurt myself. I don;t know what to say or what to do anymore. I can give no advice. I don;t know if I will ever feel better but I am don e begging someone who doesn't seem to hear. I have heard the idea of constant pursuit and have not seen or felt it. I have waited and waited in vain. Now I know that many of my old friends and maybe even family will turn their backs in disgust from me, but many already have. No I don't know why. No I don't know how. I don't know anything at all except to try and make it through each day.

Prayer Request?

I haven't blogged in a long time. And in all honesty I am a web of confusion here lately. I've been so busy with all the "must do's" of life and just in a state of the "I don't cares" that I haven't had time to really process what's going on with me. I have made mistake after mistake and have realized that they were a long time coming. Now you all know that I am a fan of complete honestly (god knows why) But the honest to goodness truth is I'm not doing so great with life right now.
Now I've definitely been beating myself up for this for the past few weeks. I have tried calling old friends, accountability, shear will-power but nothing has seemed to work. I feel like the combination of all the hurt and pain of the last few months finally combined and exploded into someone I never meant to be. I'm different now. I little rougher, a little sadder and a little more scared. Things I always thought I wanted I have begun to resent. I went from a state of complete invisibility to being seen more then I've ever wanted to. And by all the wrong people. I miss my dad more than anything in the world and I feel completely lost knowing I don't have him to turn to. Life has me completely stressed out.
Now for some happy. I've made some really great friends here and I have gotten so much closer to my family here. I'm getting into a good rhythm at work and I'm getting more responsibility. I've kind of given up on finding the perfect church and have just decided to just go to church, since not going to church has proved to be a very bad plan. I guess what i'm saying is even though I'm a mess right now and my relationship with Christ has suffered over the past few months, I know He is still holding onto me and through I may make bad choices He's faithful to bring me where He wants me no matter what road blocks I throw up. I would appreciate lots of prayers though, especially that I will make better choices and I will allow myself to look past the mistakes I have made.

Every Thorn

I’ve been having a hard time thinking happy thoughts here recently. I have had a hard time with life in the past couple of weeks and I was half determined to let myself sulk about all the negative things I could think of. Well here’s the thing about that. Once you begin to sulk or get depressed everything can’t help but begin to look up, where else could it go if you are already so far down. So anyway I had succumbed to my loneliness and was on the verge of complete emotional ruin when… things began to look up.

I have mentioned before how all of my friends/family here are married with kids or kids on the way… well back then it didn’t really bug me… until it did. You see I spent the first month of my life here just enjoying all the newness around me. I was setting up shop I guess you could say… I had sort of just let my heart be hurt so I was definitely not looking for that again. I was content with ignoring the fact that I was “alone”. Well after awhile I began to notice it and at first it didn’t bother me. But then I felt more and more like a third, fifth or seventh wheel. I felt like my singleness disrupted the happy balance of life that would otherwise exist if I were not around. Gosh I don’t really know if that makes sense or if that is completely nonsensical, but that is how I felt. I began to feel like I was a defect somehow.

I have been told over and over again that I am too picky when it comes to men. And maybe I am. But I can’t help that and I don’t know if I want to help that. I’ve always, always been afraid that I would end up settling for something I didn’t actually want and that was on my lists of things not to do. But in my increasing loneliness I wondered if maybe I should just give up on my ideals and accept what must be reality… I have been struggling with that for weeks (and I’m sure I will continue to struggle with it as the days go by) I have thought that maybe I am the problem and if I just am not good enough for the fellows that I have had interest in. And that made me come to the sinking realization of “oh great I am picky, but I choose the men that are even pickier than me.” This is probably true and God will probably bash me over the head one day just to make me see that I am looking in the wrong direction…or maybe not… whatever.

The second source to my loneliness would be not being able to find a church home. Dare I say, I think I may be even pickier when it comes to churches than I am when it comes to men. I have had the rare opportunity going into my adult life to be surrounded by a community of believers almost constantly. I’ve worked in the ministry for most of my after high school years thus far. I have always had one or two really close friends that were strong godly woman that I could count on to build me up. But moving here, I have left a lot of that behind. No I don’t work in a trying environment at all. I work with some of the happiest, kindest people I have ever known, maybe even kinder than the ones found in most ministries. I have just been lacking because I just haven’t found where I fit here. And honestly I have been so busy I haven’t had time to really get plugged in anywhere. It just seems that every church I have been to have been the wrong one. I feel like such a judgmental jerk saying that, but none of them have fit. I am looking for something so specific I’m not even sure if it exists or could exist. The problem is I had the perfect community to worship in just a few short months ago. It consisted of just a handful of people meeting together and just learning together. We were all friends so it was beyond comfortable and so very open and honest. I miss that so very much. I miss my best friends who I could just talk to. Who, no matter how stupid I was being, knew me and cared about me. Now they still exist. I haven’t lost them. But things are different and we are miles apart. Oh gosh I miss them.

I have missed my mom and siblings a lot since I’ve been here too. I guess it’s all just a compilation of that they truly can understand what is going on with me because they are going through  it too, and the simple fact that I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I want that constant everyday I’m for you; you’re for me relationship that just hasn’t been possible with so many others because they have their own friends and their own families. Where does that leave me? I can feel myself getting antsy and I even annoy myself with how crazy I get. Maybe I just am seeking attention? Am I an intruder, an outsider or maybe just someone who thinks too much? Who knows, probably the last one but moving on…

So those are all sources of my loneliness. Another I guess could be that I’m human and we get lonely sometimes. But here’s the good part, I have found some reasons to be happy about being alone. I don’t know if this has been made clear but I read a lot. I read almost anything, not quite but almost. So I have been reading this book that talks about being a Lady of God and it discusses the gift of singleness… Yep I’m going there, though even I think it’s becoming a pretty trite comfort to the single ladies. Anyway, the book states that we (as singles) have so much more time to serve than our married friends. I kind of grazed over this because really I’ve read so many articles and heard so many speakers say the exact same thing over the years… and while I mostly agree, I am getting a bit tired of people who talk about single people as if they have a fatal disease and need to be comforted. Anyway, I've talked about the Children's Shelter in previous blogs and how I have wanted to get involved. Well I finally have. Yesterday was my second day t o volunteer but my first day to hang out with the kids. It was such a blessing. I got to feed a baby for the first part which may have been a bad idea because I suffer from acute baby fever, and she was such a sweet baby. For the rest of the time I got to hang out with the 4-6 year old girls. I really didn't do much... I watched a movie with them. But the welcome they gave me was adorable. There's nothing more welcoming then ten tiny girls jumping around you trying to be the  one to hold your hand and telling you how pretty you are. The thing that I learned though was that these little girls were so resilient. Some of them probably came from terrible situations but they were able to laugh and be joyful. 

So yes, life gets me down these days. But I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there are things to be happy about even if it isn't the things you thought they would be. I may never be a mom... the thought makes me sad but I will always have the opportunity to serve others. I can work to make other people's children's lives better. I really do love my independence, and I don't know how I would get used to being with someone at this point since I'm so set in my ways... I sometimes wonder if I have just become to good at being on my own. I don't "need" anyone I just kind of want someone I guess. The thing is... I don't know what the plan is for my life... But whatever it is I'll probably learn to be ok with it and learn to make the most of it. I might even like how my life turns out.

Part of the Process

     Last night I had a dream that was half wonderful but in my waking hours it was half terrible. I dreamed that it was my wedding day and it was beautiful. I was getting married outside on a beautiful sunny day at my childhood church. There were rows and rows of chairs and none of them were empty. I was happy, very happy and I was searching the crowd. Then finally I found who I was looking for. My dad stood before me in his green button up shirt that was always a favorite of mine. He took my hand and we walked down the aisle. I never saw my groom. I never saw my dress. I just saw my dad and in my dream I was happy. I woke from that dream with a heavy heart because that dream will never be a reality. 
     A year ago today my Dad was diagnosed with the cancer that would take his life. I remember I had just  come home from a summer at working at camp. It had been a challenging summer for me. Not just at camp but in life in general. There were so many changes in my life and decisions I had to make that I didn't feel ready for. I felt completely lost. And then I got the news of my Dad's diagnoses. I remember taking it in and feeling immediate fear, which soon turned into a calm because I had heard many many diagnoses that concerned my dad throughout the years. He had suffered from several cancers among other things and he had always prevailed. A year ago today I didn't realize how serious it would be. The worst thing you can do at a time like this is use google. I did and it scared me, but I still had hope. Looking back I think I knew that this was going to be it. That this would be the last diagnoses I would ever be told concerning my dad. 
     I feel like I have aged far more than a year since then. I stayed at home for the first month trying to decide what to do. I ultimately went back to my safe haven of camp because I knew I could go home when I needed to and my dad wanted me to continue on with my life.  There are so many quiet moments where I wonder if I made the wrong choice in not staying with my dad during those months. I honestly don't know what more I could have done but I just wish I would have savored the moments I had with him. I wrote my dad a letter soon after I went back to Austin and I asked him to fight. But four months later when I watched him suffer so intensely I wished that I had never asked so much from him. A year ago today I began to grow up. A year ago today the longest and shortest 4 months began. There were several rushes home during those months. One trip of 24 hours in two days to a hospital in  Shreveport after a frightening call from home.  The last month of my dad's life I was there and I watched him decline to the point where he no longer knew me, saw me as a threat and even swung his fists when I tried to help him. I could almost carry my own father before it was over. Those were the darkest of days.
     It's strange to think now about a year ago I didn't care to have a wedding or make a big deal out of graduation or whatever. I didn't need my dad to walk me down the aisle, I would just elope if I ever got married. But today I wish more than anything that when I graduate from college I could take the traditional parents flanking the grad photo. I wish that I had my dad to walk me down the aisle in a modest outdoor wedding. I wish He could meet my kids. I wish I would have tried harder  to speak louder so my dad could hear me. To have not have ever gotten aggravated with the way he chewed or the way he would leave the blinker going after he had made his turn. I wish I would have appreciated him more and let him kiss me on the cheek even when he had scratchy whiskers. I wish I would appreciated and told him thank you for how much he had overcome with his Bipolar condition and didn't just always think of all the challenges his condition brought. I wish I had him back.
     After my dad's death I went back to work. And I thought maybe I will just heal quietly and not cause problems. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was looking for safety for security because all of that was torn from me. I was hoping for a white knight. I thought I found something or someone who could help the hurt stop but I only defrauded myself and ended up hurting more. Everyone understood. But people can understand only as long as they think they can help. I didn't know how to help myself so I had no idea how someone else could help me. Everyone understands until they don't. I would have given anything if someone could fix me but no one can. I still don't quite know what I can do to hurt less. All I know is I have to continue to live my life. I have questioned everything in the past few months. My faith, my relationships, my morals. I have been so lonely at times and so very frightened. But I am told that this is all just part of the process.
     Now I don't want this to be a huge downer. I needed to type this all out because I don't allow myself to hurt enough or think through it all enough. Some blessings that have come out of all the pain are as follows. My family has become a much tighter core in my life. We check up on each other, we care for each other. I have watched my brother's take care of my mom and their families, even start new families. I couldn't be prouder of them. My sister is healing from so many hurts and God has sent her so many comforts. Maybe even a white knight? :) Even though we lost our dad God has reminded us that he has promised new life and I will get to welcome a new nephew or niece in February. I have become so much stronger. I have learned not to take my family for granted and I'm finally doing things that I have always wanted. One thing my Dad said before he passed was to a missionary friend of our families. He said that his daughter Kaytha (ME!) was a missionary too. He said this with so much pride that I have carried those words in my heart for the past year. My dad loved me, he was proud of me and I value those things more than any perfect childhood or being the daddies girl that I wasn't. I learned that though I questioned everything I had nothing if I didn't have my faith. Through my loneliness I am learning that Christ will never abandon me. Though I fear the times that I will lose others that I love I now know that I will survive. Time marches on, and I have been given a chance to treasure the ones I love. A year ago today I could have given up but by God's grace I am still standing.     

Think Good Thoughts

     In past posts I've written a lot about the trials of this year and also about all the good and beautiful things God has been showing me this year. Honestly I am so very grateful for the life that I have been given, the good things that have kept me going, and just the silly optimism that overtakes me even in my saddest moments. God has been so faithful. This weekend has been a tremendous blessing.

     This is my cousin and very first best friend Lauren. We grew up together and have a long standing joke of how our grandmother dressed us like twins for most of our growing up years. The funniest part is now we always realize that we dress very similarly without even trying. (Observe the photo!)  She recently has gotten married and now has a little boy, who is so darling :) She has left me to fend for myself alone on the battlefield of love but I guess I'm pretty happy for her anyway. Anyway her husband recently joined the Air force. We had both moved to SA at around the same time and are actually neighbors. However we knew that Lauren would probably be moving in the next couple of months with her husband to wherever he would be stationed... But luck would have it that Phillip has been stationed in San Antonio for the next couple of years! So our little family club continues and I won't have to give up my twin.

     That is just one of the blessings of my weekend. Yesterday I got to celebrate with a great group of girls for my friend Jess' upcoming marriage! I'm definitely at the age where most of my Gal Pals are becoming MRS.' or MOMS! But celebrating with Jess has made me so happy. She is such a blessing in my life and a true example of a Godly lady... and her fiance isn't that shabby of a Godly example either. She is like my example of hope in a lot of ways. Her patience and faith have really paid off. Yesterday was just a grand day of enjoying friendships and investing in one another.

   
     And to cap off a great weekend my dear friend Lizzy came to stay with me! We had great plans of going out on the town and being young and free but we ended up staying in and just enjoying good food and each others company. She set me straight on a lot and we just were able to talk about so much. She helps me find my footing. 






 I have just had so many blessings. I have wonderful friends. Some that I don't get to see as much as others. But one thing I have realized about myself is that I prefer deep one on one relationships to a plethora of acquaintances.  

 

     And these are just a few of the ladies that have blessed my life beyond compare. I love what they teach me. Sometimes I hate what they teach me but just the fact that we make a difference in each others life is a big deal.

So really I've had so many good things in life. Hard stuff too for sure. This year (as I've said many times before) has been extremely tough. The big thing is that it seems that every time I see the joy in a situation or have just a boost of hope, that seems to be the time that I get hit by hard things. Things that make me sad, discouraged, hurt. (Finances, waiting, decisions, guy disappointments, hurt friends, misunderstandings, family, loss)  These things all steal my happy heart. Happy hearts are hard to come by I've realized and I like to try and supply them when I can. So really I guess this post is a thank you to all of you who remind me of my happy heart. Just thinking of the good things in life helps the face extensively :) And then in the bad times you are just that much more grateful for the things that helped instead of hurt.

    

Pro-Life

   I'm not going to continue with what I was talking about in my last blog. It was pretty much a ramble about my life anyway :) I've been reading this book that a friend of mine has been telling me to read for years. It's called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" By Brennan Manning and it is phenomenal! It has made me think so much.

     The premise to it is basically about how we are prone to not truly accept God's love and forgiveness. That's something I have struggled with for years. I tend to think that yes God is faithful and loving... But I don't deserve it. How incredibly silly of me to think that an all powerful God could be limited by something as trivial as my worthiness. God loves and forgives me because that is His very nature and He cannot be untrue to who He is. It is not because I deserve it. It won't change because I don't deserve it. It is how it is because of who He is.

     That isn't even the point of this blog. I've talked so much in these blogs about my relationships and how I view relationships in general and this book has made me think. It has even convicted me of so much where relationships are concerned. One thing that really got me was this quote...

      "We are not pro-life simply because we are warding off death. We are pro-life to the extent that we are men and women for others, all others; to the extent that no human flesh is a stranger to us; to the extent that we can touch the hand of another in love; to the extent that to us there are no others." 

     I am most definitely pro-life. I know and love children who could have been disposed of because they were unplanned. I cherish these children and can't imagine a life without them. The way I believe in this aspect affects a lot of my political choices and day to day choices. A big part of what I want to do is give children like this a chance at life. But something I haven't really thought a lot about is how "Pro-life" I am with all people in general. Do I love people truly? Do I weep when anyone is lost? Do I feel anything at all for human kind? Yes I desire to help those I know. I desire to help people that can't help themselves…but what about the people who can help themselves? What about the people who I don't understand as well. Do I even pursue a relationship with them? 

     Awhile back when Osama Bin Laden was killed and the nation was rejoicing I found myself torn. Yes I was happy that the world was rid of this terrible man's deeds. But a part of me hurt that we rejoiced... This man's soul was lost forever. My Jesus loved Him just as much as He loves me and had offered to give Him abundant life just as I have been offered. How could I rejoice when my Jesus was weeping over a lost soul? His desire was that NO ONE should perish but have everlasting life in Him.

        And not even that extreme... I tend to make snap judgments of people. I decide if people are innately good or evil just in how they look at me once. I choose whether to love someone just by how they make me feel at the time. My love is so impure and conditional and no way close to how Jesus loves.

      "Authentic faith leads us to treat others with unconditional seriousness and to a loving reverence for the mystery of the human personality."

     We are all the same but at the same time all different. We all are at the same level. We are sinners who have been offered the same pardon. But we all deal with things differently. We react differently. No one is better or worse because of their personality or their way of dealing… so maybe if we spent a little more time really listening and understanding we would be able to have meaningful relationships with people that are different than us.

     That’s another thing I’ve realized… I’m pretty bad at relationships in general. I’m becoming a bad listener these days because my own mind is too busy. I don’t listen well even to the people that I care about the most. I talk a lot I just don’t listen. Listening is probably a key part about caring about people, just a guess.

     The point of this blog has been and continues to be a way for me to process. I think so very much and this has proved to be an excellent way for me to organize my thoughts. I have shared a lot about me and just the way I am viewing life these days. I am so confused on so many points yet so enlightened on others. I’m learning how to treat people and learning better ways to react to how I am treated. I guess I am just seeking better understanding and patience. I am seeking to be a better listener. I am not seeking to be perfect… I know that Christ is the only one who can accomplish that and in Him I am already seen that way. Not that I just go out and do what I want but, out of my love for Him, I seek His will. I hope these posts are somehow beneficial to you as well J Until next time.

                     All Quotes use in this Blog are from The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning.

Be Blessed

     I have had an intense craving for blogging for the past couple of weeks. My new journey has filled me with so much to write about. Some sad disappointments but most happy revelations! Since the last post I have made my own home here in this bustling city. Tons of people have asked me aren't you scared out of your mind? And the answer is no. I haven't really experienced much fear. I'm just so enjoying living the way that I was designed. I am a very neat organized person and my home reflects that (Though my mind doesn't always). I was recently told that my small apartment should be on Pinterest. I haven't decided if I'm happy or sad about that... (Mostly happy I think!) I live in quite the little routine and I am enjoying it immensely. 


     My job has treated me well... it has had a few very disappointing surprises though. The areas I love to work the most have few and far between hours. So I'm adjusting but hoping to learn to love the other aspects of the job as well. One of my favorite areas to work in is our weekly kids night. It's a time to do crafts with the kids and just talk to them. I had a very intense conversation with a group of kids (all under ten) About our favorite comic book characters. And yes I was ridiculed because mine is Captain America. But honestly I didn't know that EVERYONE'S favorite was the Captain! But kid's night reconfirms my desire to work with kids I think.


     Last time I talked about the Children's Shelter I was excited about volunteering at. Well that application process is going pretty slow because it asks for a lot of information. But it is definitely still in the works. I even saw where you could apply to work full time with them and you don't even have to be married! (Score!) But I want to volunteer quite a bit first to get a feel for how well I could do that job. So hopefully I can get that together by August at the latest.


    I am still searching for a church family which is proving to be extremely difficult. I want a very specific environment and it is proving to be hard to find. I go to one Bible study regularly and that has proved to be a blessing. But I am trying to branch out and give other places a shot.


     I am basically content. I have had disappointments. I have struggled with different things and I still struggle daily. I'm trying new things. I'm finally at a place where I feel happy with myself. Happy might not be a good word... I am joyful... Even when circumstances sadden me, I can still have joy.


     I Hang out with a very interesting crowd here. And not surprisingly I am the only single one in the group! I just realized yesterday that all my friends here are married, married with kids, or engaged. How I ended up in this group I have no clue. (Well most of them are family and old friends but still!) But the funniest part is I haven't really noticed it! I just realized yesterday actually how out of place I am. But you know I've realized that I am super content to be without an other half. In fact I have wrestled with the thoughts that I don't really want to meet anyone at this point. I'm not fond of the disappointment that it usually brings. So I'm happy with my "Perpetual singleness" actually. Now yes I do wish I had someone to take care of me sometimes but mainly in that situation I wish I had my dad back. But you know even in that my family has really stepped up for me lately. There's so much to be grateful for and I'm realizing that I see those things more here recently than I dwell on my disappointment. I still have my days but God has been faithful to remind me of His faithfulness a lot. 


     I have to go to work so this may be continued later. Or I may just leave it as is. Any grammatical errors will be fixed later! :) Or not depending on how I feel. Be blessed. It's just as much your choice as anyone else!