I'm So Excited!

     Things are starting to get good here in SA. I've been working for the past two weeks now. It's been tough learning the ropes and figuring out what's expected of me but I also just feel really blessed to be here. I've been visiting different churches. I haven't found the church yet, but all things take time. I move into my very own home on Saturday! I never thought I would live in a place where everything I could ever need is on the same street as my house. I'm definitely used to being a country lady but I like trying new things. I just feel overly blessed at this point in my life. It's been an increasingly hard year for me and, though I still struggle so much, I just feel like God is allowing me to see the light in the darkness.
     
     The other day I was visiting a very dear friend back in the Austin area. One thing very special about this friend is when she asks me "how I'm doing" she always asks me twice... This is needed for me because I (like a lot of other people) always automatically answer "Good!" Well it has been her tradition to ask me and then ask me again. When she asks me the second time I always realize what a liar I am. For the past several months I have not been good. I have not been good at all. I've been grieving and dealing with the changes in my life and in me (That I wasn't so sure I liked at all). But what is special about this time is when she asked me twice I realized that I really am doing well! I am dealing. And that is something that does not come naturally to me. I believe in being "strong" and in the past that has meant pushing everything that hurt away. I don't know if I'm entirely cured but I'm seeing the small steps I've taking. I'm happy... and not all the time. I still get sad. In fact today was actually one of my sad days. I got discouraged and really missed my dad. Father's day is coming up and I don't quite know what to do with that yet. But I am seeing the happy in things more often now than the sad. I am joyful I guess you could say, because only God can provide that and what I have surely doesn't come from anything I can conjure.
     
     One thing that has really made me happy recently is that I am seeing doors open. I've always had all these great longings to do more and to serve in specific ways. But I have always thought "well maybe when I finish school"... or "maybe after I gain some more life experience." But doors are opening and I am so eager to jump through them! I have talked about working with kids who are in need since high school. I have talked about working within children's shelters, schools or maybe even an adoption agency. Just somewhere that can give these kids a different life, and most importantly a more abundant life! Well I just picked up my first volunteer application for a children's shelter here in SA and I couldn't be more excited to finally be putting some actions with my words. It also helps to know that my Dad would be proud of me. He always believed in the importance of missionaries at home. This could be exactly what God has planned for my life or it will be how God will show me other things... but it's a step... and let me tell you, I was getting so very tired of just standing still. (Sadly the door almost closed because the receptionist at the children's shelter was convinced that I couldn't be older than eighteen... which is the required age! Someday my eternal youth will be a blessing) Laughter :)
     
     I'm just in a state of contentment right now at how things are panning out. Do I still get flustered at times? Definitely... I am still human. But just knowing that whatever I am feeling in the moment will pass and I will smile again, that is the biggest blessing. I think maybe that has a lot to do with what contentment looks like. (Possibly?) Anyway I guess the thing that has me most excited is that I am taking action. Action and words, though only one truly speaks the other is the only one truly heard. I don't really want myself to be heard (I don't have much to say worth hearing) but I want God to be heard through me. It is encouraging to me that, even though I am extremely flawed, God does these little things to remind me that He is not done with me yet.


                                              The reason I want to give kid's a better life stems
                                                       From these kids right here. They are teaching me patience. 
                                                      But I love them more than anything. My nieces and nephews.

 

Complicating Simplicity

     Today I have been thinking a lot about how complicated we make life. In the past couple of years I have wondered why there are just some things that confuse me to no end and just seem impossible to figure out. I cannot stand the common way of doing things. The way that people never say what they mean or do what they actually want to do drives me insane. And yes I am also guilty of this terrible way of life. I keep things locked away when it would be better if they were spoken and I don't act on things I know I want... just because I lack the confidence to do so. 


     But in thinking all these things I think of times when I did act and was honest and I was utterly and thoroughly rejected. I just can't figure out which is worse. Wishing I would have or wishing that I never wanted to because it just didn't work out. The world is full of crushed hopes and dreams that were never meant to be. How do we cope with such heartache? For it is heartache when you think of what could have been. For me there is nothing worse than caring for something or someone more than I am cared for in return. All those invested emotions just seem to be trampled on just by the lack of acknowledgement that they exist. I hate the feeling of wanting to work on something that amounts to nothing or a relationship that is not equally invested on from the other side. Each time this happens it feels like a piece of my heart is taken from me.


     As I have written before my life is no where near what I expected it to be. I long to finish college. I long to start a family. I just long for things to be simpler honestly. I was watching some old TV shows earlier tonight and the family life portrayed in these shows were just so simple. Relationships presented mild challenges but always in the end the characters said exactly what they wanted to say and they were rewarded with mutual feelings in the end. What I would give for that type of simplicity. That any conflict or speed bump in life could be easily smoothed over by mutual affection and understanding by all parties involved. It sounds life a fairy tale and in fact it probably is.


     No we don't live in a world where life is that simple. Try as we might we will not always maintain or gain the relationships we hope for. We won't always speak plainly or act when we should. We are flawed and it's time we admitted it. Oh yes we should strive to imitate Christ but that should be out of the overflow of our hearts and not out of the skills in acting we may possess. But you see there is one very important lesson I learned earlier this week about this and I've been meaning to share it. Let me draw from some wisdom entirely not my own...


      Philippians 4:11-13... "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in ANY and EVERY situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me."


     Now I am sure that most people weren't as silly as me when they studied this passage of scripture but I tended to break it into pieces. I would always read the part about being content and I would love the idea. I would think If I could just simplify I could become content. if I could just do this or that I would learn how to be content. If I would just stop wanting I would be content. I would always wonder what the secret was. (I know completely dumb!) Then I would give up on that and continue reading and I would read How I can do all things through Christ. Well that is an amazing verse of encouragement! The problem was... I heard it so much it had lost it's meaning to me. It had become trite. It was did not evoke emotion in me as it should. Here's the thing I just realized... These verses go hand in hand. Yes I can be content but only because Christ gives me the strength to do so. I who loves the idea of simplicity and seeing things for what they are and not what they are dressed up to be. I had complicated one of the simplest truths in the scripture. I can do all things through Christ who give me the strength to do so. Even be content with not being able to control my life. Even be content in not knowing how to simplify. Contentment, like simplicity, is not something you work on... It's something you allow. 


     Yes we have complicated everything in life. We say and do things we don't mean or believe. We strive to be content. But what we miss is that striving and contentment cannot even be in the same room together. In order to truly simplify we must relinquish the control we don't actually have. To do everything through Christ who gives us strength is not to go and fight the battle of discontent and strive for perfection. It is to allow God's strength to permeate through us and replace a heavy heart with a heart of peace. God provides the strength to overcome one of our biggest obstacles in our path to contentment and that is ourselves. Everything that I "lack" will diminish in appearance if I allow my focus to disengage from myself and focus on the purpose that God gives me strength to accomplish.

The word is VALUE. Do you have any?

     On to something new I say! I am packing up and leaving in the morning for my newest adventure. I really enjoy adventure and I tend to have my share of them. I have moved many many times in the past few years and have not stayed anywhere for longer than ten months at a time! I am something of a gypsy and I get antsy when I sit still. My newest adventure is a little bit intimidating because for once I am not going into it thinking of when I will leave it for the next one. It is very stable, and honestly I'm not used to stable. I'm used to doing things that are not meant to be forever things. Though I doubt I will do this new thing forever  I feel like I will be in this new place for awhile. (In fact my address will even be changed on my license. That is quite serious for me!) But this is not meant to be a rant about new beginnings... It is meant to be a rant about people and relationships. 


     In going into this new life I am very excited but at the same time I have a very empty feeling within me. I have lost so many people in the past year. Whether it be truly losing them or just losing touch with them. I get quite attached to people and I tend to care deeply. I sometimes regret these character traits of mine because I have felt so very empty over this past year saying goodbye to one after the other. Honestly it makes me a bit cynical toward allowing new people to obtain my affections.  The effort all these relationships have taken out of me has brought me a great deal of pain and maybe even a little bitterness.


     Today I was having lunch with a dear old friend and we were actually discussing all these things. We are rather similar which may be why we have remained such good friends for so long. We value our family and friends highly above most other things. In my mind this seems like a good thing... but why does it seem like in this age we are really supposed to be seeking out our best interests rather than building lasting relationships? Why does it seem that tasks and position are valued over people?


     I've been thinking about this a lot lately and one thing I've thought about are woman in society today... What comes to mind when you think of an accomplished woman? In my mind I see a woman who knows how to care about others. A woman who has an elegant confidence and is conscious  of how she effects others . The women we value these days however are the take charge types. The media is full of woman who use their sexuality and ruthlessness to obtain whatever they want. We praise these woman. We lift them up as the model for what a woman should be. Men are presented in the media as either selfish and irresponsible or as controlled by the women in their lives. I think of these things and I can't help but think of my nieces and nephew and how these are the figures that will influence them. It just makes me sad. 


     We allow ourselves to be consumed with self. We allow ourselves to be petty about things that honestly don't matter. We mistreat others and praise ourselves. We seek favor with others so that we may get ahead. And this a description of Christians...these traits don't look a thing like Christ. 


     I know this has been quite a ramble but I suppose my main point is that the art of valuing others has been almost lost. We no longer respect the person. We respect the position. We no longer seek to be ladies. We seek to be antagonist, to prey on others. We no longer allow our men to be leaders. We belittle them. We no longer think of the example we are setting... but the next generation will learn from us. Friendships are more for elevation rather than for mutual encouragement. The art of respect and kindness could greatly help our current situation. 


     I'm really excited about my new beginning even though I have been made sad. But to allow myself to be bitter and shut others out is my choice. It is not something I can be made into. I cannot blame a bad friendship for making me a bad friend. I cannot blame a man for not being a gentleman if I have not been a lady. I cannot blame the next generation if I have taught them nothing of value. I cannot demand respect if I am not respectful. I cannot follow Christ without imitating His steps. I am called to value others above myself and that mean to care deeply even when it seems others do not. I may not be able to change the world in doing this but I cannot allow the world to change me.

Gandhi once said...

      I think I have mentioned before that I am rather terrible at expressing myself. I always tend to say things in a way that I don't mean them! Like today I was talking to my brother and his girl about religion, books and all of the other random things we talk about. The last thing I want to do is discourage my family from church, but I have found in the past couple of years I have been a little discouraged when it come to "religious" people. I have mentioned before my issues with having an open mind when it comes to "closed minded" people (I know irony). The thing is I have a passion against the religious mindset. The mindset that there is a set of rules that must be followed. Or that there is a specific denomination that knows the way to heaven or whatever else the religious set is convinced of. Gosh even now I feel like I'm saying the wrong things. Bare with me and I will try and explain.


     I most definitely seek to be a Christian. I believe the gospel. Jesus came to save us from our sins. (That being the gospel in a nutshell). But here's what I think we miss. Jesus didn't just do us this great favor of opening the gate to heaven and if we try hard enough we will get there... Here's the way I see it. From the beginning God created us to have a RELATIONSHIP with him. In the beginning Adam and Eve walked and talked with God. Now no surprise we ended up getting distracted by discontent and separated ourselves from God. However, the whole old testament shows God not only as a god of judgment and wrath but as a God of pursuit. But what about all the things that we read of and think "now why would God allow that to happen" or "yeesh that seems a little harsh"? Well I don't claim to know. God explains that He is a god of justice and I just have to believe that. But in so much of it, even the really terrible things, I see that it was all in pursuit of us. It was a pursuit of the relationship that we turned away from in the beginning. So God gently and not so gently sought to show his people that he is God and that he is to be worshiped above all else. We still turn away and we ignore him. So He seeks to remind His people of who he is and he gives them the law... Well they start to do ok with this instruction manual they have been given. The problem is we now depend on our own obedience of the law to ensure our salvation. Well we get to Jesus  and He has come to fulfill the law so that we can gratefully realize that all God want's (and has ever wanted) is a relationship with his creation. Relationship as it should be full of the things of God (Love, Joy, Patience, Gentleness, Meekness, Self-Control...) Well we have been doing this law stuff for a LONG time and we are pretty used to it. So we don't want to give it up... So in essence we are still trying to please God by doing things that are no longer necessarily because they have been fulfilled by Jesus. So now all our works are void. This is where we stopped I think. Jesus spent a lot of time teaching against religion. That's why the religious leaders hated him. He was saying that all of there efforts were now worthless. They hated that because if all you needed was a relationship with God then that meant that they were on the same level as everyone else. How can you judge if you are the same as everyone? 


     In saying all that I guess the point I am trying to get at is that we are in a never ending cycle. Either we are at the point of being discontent and seeking other god's... or we are so caught up in what we can and can't do. Religion is this to me... It is a state of seeking to be good enough. To pursue "perfection". Now religious people may be some of the most moral people that you may know... There's nothing wrong with having morals. The problem is when we focus so hard on the rules we miss out on the relationship. Jesus told us to "come follow me". And we teach that in our churches. Then we come up with all these formula bible studies to attempt to "look like Jesus". What we miss is what Jesus looked like. Jesus hung out with the down and out. He was so outside the norm of his time. People didn't always think highly of him... a lot of people thought he was a drunk or crazy. He didn't fit in. He didn't pay attention to all the religious practices. People came first to him no matter where they were at (in church or not) Jesus never would turn someone away because of their appearance or previous choices. He did not snub others because they didn't follow the same rules as him.


     Gandhi once said "I love your Christ but I hate your Christians". Some people will be really upset that I quoted a man such as Gandhi because that is taboo in being a religious christian.  So they will probably ignore how very sad that statement is. Christian means little Christ... If this man can honestly say that He loved Christ but not the people that are supposed to be representing Christ we should be asking where we are going wrong! I have watched too many religious christian's drive people away from Christ because they didn't fit the mold religion has created. This is unacceptable. 


     So maybe we should re-examine our goals. If we are focused on effort rather than seeking  then something is wrong. If we are giving up on people because we think they could never "change their ways" then something is wrong. If we are more focused on our appearance than Christ's appearance then something is wrong. Everyone's relationship with Christ is their own. It is between them and God. We have no room to judge what God may be speaking in their lives. I am not even allowed to judge "closed minded" people. That is not my place. My place is allowing Christ to cultivate a relationship with me. He will teach me in ways that others may not understand. My place is also to love others because I am seeking to be like Christ and He IS love.


     I hope some of that made sense and you got what I was trying to convey. I struggle with anger against religious christianity because I have seen it hurt so many people I love. God will heal my heart from this and I will learn to love them as Christ does. However, I stand firm in my conviction that we are meant to be Christ followers and not rule followers. I will study the life of Christ and who He is not someone else's idea of what a christian should be.

Counted

        I've been in kind of a funk for the past week or so. I'm not really sure why. I've been missing people and just antsy. I'm no good at letting go of things. I get so very attached to people and places. I'm also no good at unemployment. Being in between jobs has been driving me crazy. I'm used to doing not waiting. So to help me out with this funk I've decided to think of all the things I'm happy to have.


     I've been incredibly blessed in my life and I sometimes do a good job at forgetting that. My family is something I am so very grateful for. We are sometimes an odd bunch. Like me my family doesn't always talk about things. We tend to work through things in our own way. But we are really good at being a family. We don't really fight ever. Probably because we are mostly pretty passive but it works for us. We just work and that is something I love. We have these kind of unspoken family traditions...

My oldest brother brings us food :) You can see why he is dear to my heart. He hunts and fishes and feeds us so it all works out for us. Usually when he feeds us we get the stories and I really like listening to the stories. We also spend a lot of evenings with his family watching his son play whatever sport is in season. That's our tradition with my oldest brother.

My oldest sister and I just so happen to be a lot like our mother. So a lot like each other too. We tend to spend quiet evenings reading or taking pictures (sharing pictures). We like doing crafty things. We like to eat! (And they are good cooks) We watch old movies and talk. But my favorite thing that we do is just being able to sit around quietly. We don't have to talk constantly which is nice.

These two jokers are my other brothers. Our tradition is a lot more grounded. We watch movies. I never actually pick... well I kind of do because I know their tastes so well. Every time I come home we go watch the newest Tim Burton or Martin Scorsese. This year we have added two new members to our little movie club, their girlfriends. I am now a fifth wheel but also a founder of the club so I feel good about the changes :) Plus no one could really love and talk about these movies with my brothers like I can!

 My last sister is probably the most animated out of all of us. She has always had this crazy sparkle about her. Our traditions are watching her kids while talking about plans that are just crazy enough to maybe happen and we talk about guys :) Well she talks about guys and I listen since I usually have nothing to share. It's her sparkle factor!










That's my family and that's just one of the things that make me happy. My nephews and nieces and extended family are included in that! I love spending time at my grandma's house. We get together several times a year. It's my mom's side and she comes from a farely large family. Get togethers are spent eating good food and just sitting around talking about life. This is something I love.


I love my hobbies. I'm not exactly obsessed with anything in particular. I tend to go from one thing to the next. I like to paint, sew, write, read, do outdoorsy stuff, photography, dancing... I like a lot of things. 


I love simple things. I love the smell before it rains, fresh cut grass, the sweetness of spring and the crispness of fall. I love sunsets, sunrises, thunderstorms and rainy days. I like to ride with the windows down and the radio on while driving down familiar dirt roads. I like the beach and attempting to body board. I love that I grew up by a lake. I love the country and I love some cities. 


I can think of so many things that make me happy and I could go on and on. I haven't even talked about friendships and ministry. I realize that this blog post is entirely selfish. But sometimes I just need a boost and I realize that other people do too. I hope if nothing else this has reminded you to count your blessings. 

   

                           

Crowded Wagons

     There seems to be a lot of messages and causes in our world these days. Every time I get on my Facebook page or any form of media, for that matter, I am bombarded by things I should care about... I'm afraid I've never been much of a joiner and though I see all of these noble causes that I should really get involved with it just hasn't been for me. I've gone through phases of remembering to write love on my arms on the correct day or wearing different bracelets or t-shirts but nothing seems to stick with me. It's not because I don't care. I do, but I have this terrible terrible tendency to NOT want to jump on the band wagon. I'm just not a fan of crowded wagons...


     Here's something I've been thinking about for the last few hours... but first it all started when I watched this video (Which I had been avoiding because it is all over Facebook and it looked band wagon-y) 

     So I hope you watched it because it is beyond inspiring! The kind of love that must take on both of their parts. For her to care for him and take his disabilities as her own, to give up young dreams... and for him to nourish her spiritually even when it must be so hard for him to know that he can't take care of her in physical ways... that is love and it is inspiring.

     I've been thinking about them since I watched this video and I put myself in their shoes... Could I do that? I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle that as well as they have. I'm afraid I would be to selfish. But through their suffering they are bringing glory to God. That is their cause. It's not about their hardships. It's not about creating awareness for their hardships. It is about seeing God in it all. Amazing amazing people. They are not my cause, though I find their story to be so encouraging and worthy of support. My cause is a lot like theirs. It's exactly like theirs in fact. My cause is Christ and bringing him glory. To bring Him glory in my happy moments, in my hardships, in times that I don't understand. 

     I went on a blog tangent after seeing this video and reading some of their blog posts. I read a friends blog where she talked about her desire for a renewed passion for Christ. And I realized I wanted that too. I feel like I'm slipping so often. I'm not where I was and I can't figure out if that's good or bad. I miss my naive self. I miss the me that was so very happy and hopeful. I miss my lofty ideas. I miss the way I knew what was right without question. Life has changed and it has changed me. My OCD nature sees this as a failure. My new sense of accepting myself sees this as growth, as a chance for God to work in me. So in realizing that I wanted a renewed passion and that I am exactly where God wants me to be personally, I came to the conclusion (and so did my friend in her blog) that I will not be able to renew my passion for Christ by shear effort. God is the one who creates the passion. He created the desire in my heart for that passion... for Him. Yes I should probably spend more time seeking him and less time seeking others approval or recognition. I should spend more time seeking Him than my dreams for the future. I should just spend more time seeking Him.

     Possible reasons why I don't seek him??? 

Maybe I'm scared He will hurt me?

     Yep that sounds super weird and I'm almost sad that I typed it, but carry on I must. I'm afraid that He will do what I ask him (See "And I am Glad"). I'm scared that He won't do what I ask. I'm scared of what He will ask of me. I'm scared He will ask me to do it alone. I'm scared that any of this could make me bitter. I really want to love God, but I'm scared that I won't be any good at it.

If I seek Him I can't seek other things?

     Once again weird. I want so so many things that I'm afraid that He won't let me pursue. Or that He won't let pursue me.... So if I just don't get His opinion I can feign innocence right? 

I have already failed?

     I am convinced I am OCD because I can't get past the whole "Kaytha is a screw up" thing. Somehow I get it in my mind that I am so "powerful" that my actions can't be overcome by a truly all powerful God. Who, by the way, created this "screw up".

     Those are just a few of the things that have been or are issues for me. There's a simple fix to all of these issues... They are all birthed from being afraid... but "God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and self discipline" - 2 Timothy 1:7 And that is just one of the verses where God assures us that it is not out of our power but His.

     In all of this thought processing I thought about all of the woman I've always admired.

Mother Teresa. I don't think I really have to say why I admire her. She once said "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." In her life she did great things, but she did this by doing small things with great love.

Audrey Hepburn. I don't really know if this classy lady had a passion for Christ. I hope she did. She once said "For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."   She had some hard knocks but in her later life she did some amazing things for children in need.

                         Amy Carmichael. “You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.” 

“It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires which He creates"

An amazing woman who served, so faithfully, (by herself!) children in India.

 My Mom! She has always been the perfect example of what a wife and mother should be. Through my Dad's illness she always said "We will not feel sorry for ourselves. No matter how badly we are hurting there is someone else out there who is hurting more than us."

     Strong independent woman who loved more than they were loved, gave more than they were given, and trusted in something outside of themselves for their strength (My mom still does all these things) You can see why they are worthy of admiration. I suppose through all of these thoughts God is teaching me that my cause is for Him first, then to love and serve others. My cause is to be kind and compassionate. My cause is to see the good in others that is not easily seen. My cause is to be like Him. 

     Though I wish I had the focus and the passion to jump on worthy band wagons, I now see that the only cause worth pursuing is the cause of Christ. He creates my passion, He created the things that I pursue. He created my personality and He has a purpose that I alone can serve. More promises that fulfill me, renew my passion and give me a sense of hope. :)

Thanks to Bob and Adele

     I want to start out today by explaining "Que Sera Sera" and it's importance to me. Simply put it is a song my Mom always sings to me anytime I'm worried about something or being difficult about things. It's terribly cliche because in the song itself it talks about a mother singing it to her daughter but I absolutely love it because it reminds me of my Mom.

     Que Sera Sera's literal meaning is "Whatever will be will be". I definitely Googled it and Wikipedia tells me (for whatever that is worth) that it is derived from Spanish words used in English Syntax. So it is basically a hybrid phrase that wouldn't hold up anywhere.The point of opening this blog like this is because I want to talk a little bit about some thoughts and they just so happen to tie into the phrase. 

     I am ridiculously passive. I hate confrontation. I hate being angry. I laugh with just about every emotion because I am no good at handling any emotion but happy. Some of my most hated memories are times I've cried in front of people or have gotten angry in front of them. I tend to lean toward a hippy mentality in a way and sometimes I blame it on the "Que Sera Sera" mentality that has been driven into me since birth. My tendency is to look at confrontation as something that can be avoided after a thorough investigation of what I might need to change in my own attitude. Now that might sound noble or whatever, but I'm starting to see it as an excuse because I am afraid of confrontation in itself. As I said before I'm the youngest of six so I'm definitely not used to winning! So really my point is that I have discovered that I would much rather love people despite their faults, see their strengths and just be open minded. I love the idea of open mindedness. Whether that is actually possible I do not know because my tendency is to be open minded towards everyone but closed minded people... I have a hard time with them. So the closed minded circle is completed by me ironically!

     So here's the thing, that all sounds just peachy. Way to go Kaytha you have found the meaning of life with your long flowy hair and love for herbal tea! (I really do like herbal tea A LOT!) Now really let's get to the heart of the issue... while these ideas are very fine and dandy, and yes they will probably always hold weight with me, here's something I've realized. If something makes me truly angry that's when I know I care about it the most. Gasp! Wait that seems completely against my ideals right? Well yes and no. In the past 3 years I have seen a major change in me.

     When I first started working for the ministry I mentioned before, I was ridiculously chill. Not much really made me angry. I liked people there. I had just come from a place of people I thought to be narrow minded (and maybe they were... I don't really care that much now) so this new place was like heaven. My co-workers used to ask what would make me angry and they would actually try to be the one to make me angry. Well in the following 3 years they succeeded at times and they saw just how human I could be. Because for all my ideals that didn't change the fact that I am human and humans deal with these very inconvenient things called emotions.  

     I see now that I have always lived in state where emotional stability was my number one goal. It wasn't something I grew up around. My family could get pretty emotional (like any other family I suppose) and I didn't like it . So my goal since youth, because I have always been a people pleaser and a tad OCD (When it comes to myself) , was to be completely stable emotionally. That is something I think I have always known about myself but haven't known how to express, even to myself. But the problem is my emotional stability was a cheap imitation because I didn't allow myself any type of filter. So what happens when you don't have a filter? Eventually you blow up. So, though I have not lived a constant life of crazy emotions, I have blown up quite a few times. 

     Where's the balance I ask? Well here's a shocker even to me. I have great ideals. I think that I am beyond fair with people except for one person... Myself. I'm a complete jerk to me. And in my perfectionist mind I have made a list of what I should be and also a list of everywhere that I fail. I let other people be exactly who they are but I can't allow myself to really open up and be who I am.... Crazy stuff!

     So here's where it changed. One of my dear friends told me once that when I (specifically me) was angry about things that was the point where I really cared. I waved that off because I DON'T LIKE BEING ANGRY. But over the past couple of months I have fought anger. And at one point I became angry because I felt "misunderstood" (laughter). Then I saw what my friend meant and it made me super happy because that meant that I was beginning to really care about MYSELF.

     Now I might really not like getting angry (I'm pretty sure that's true). That's ok. That's who I am. I might like to see the good in others. That's ok. as long as I see the good in me too. I might avoid showing emotion. That's ok. As long as I deal with things. So in just the past few weeks... well really just a week and a half I have done some major... Changing? Soul searching? Yoda inspired therapy? I have no idea what to call it. The point is I've taking hobbies back up that seemed pointless because they didn't really fit the mold I was going for. For one I'm writing again and I didn't think I had anything worth saying (and maybe I don't but that's ok by me), I'm drawing again (considering painting again), I'm reading like crazy,I'm into photography, music (I'm playing the piano again and thinking about re-stringing my violin) I'm working out??? Yeah I actually am getting some exercise in! In fact I found roller blades today which I am super stoked about, but that's besides the point. I'm thinking about taking up yoga or something fun and cliche.I watch way to many episodes of Gilmore Girls. I'm not pining after anyone and I'm actually enjoying independence (though I am a girl and that is always subject to change)! I'm mostly content (as content as humans can be). I guess the point is I'm allowing myself to be happy. And happy with the things that aren't how I planned them but are how things are. Sounds hippy? Good it will go with my ideals then!

     Waiting for the God part? Why yes there is one. God made me special and He loves me very much!                  (Same goes for you!!!)

     So in thinking of a name for this post I thought about music. Now I'm a big music fan... I'm not that knowledgeable about music but like most things in my life I'm not all that picky. If I like the sound I like it! In saying that I was thinking of the tone of the blog and it's almost like two extremes of music... you have my chilled out Bob Marley self who proclaims "don't worry bout a thing" and you have my "we could have had it all" Adele side. I honestly like them both. (Not sure if that's ok to say but I'm becoming a big fan of honesty.)  Hence, the title Bob Marley vs. Adele. For some there is no comparison... That's fine. That's what respect is for. Laughter :) I guess what I'm really trying to say is I'm going to have really happy times and really sad times, angry times too. That's life and I think maybe I'm finally ok with admitting that. So Thank you Bob and Adele for your parts in life!