Think Good Thoughts

     In past posts I've written a lot about the trials of this year and also about all the good and beautiful things God has been showing me this year. Honestly I am so very grateful for the life that I have been given, the good things that have kept me going, and just the silly optimism that overtakes me even in my saddest moments. God has been so faithful. This weekend has been a tremendous blessing.

     This is my cousin and very first best friend Lauren. We grew up together and have a long standing joke of how our grandmother dressed us like twins for most of our growing up years. The funniest part is now we always realize that we dress very similarly without even trying. (Observe the photo!)  She recently has gotten married and now has a little boy, who is so darling :) She has left me to fend for myself alone on the battlefield of love but I guess I'm pretty happy for her anyway. Anyway her husband recently joined the Air force. We had both moved to SA at around the same time and are actually neighbors. However we knew that Lauren would probably be moving in the next couple of months with her husband to wherever he would be stationed... But luck would have it that Phillip has been stationed in San Antonio for the next couple of years! So our little family club continues and I won't have to give up my twin.

     That is just one of the blessings of my weekend. Yesterday I got to celebrate with a great group of girls for my friend Jess' upcoming marriage! I'm definitely at the age where most of my Gal Pals are becoming MRS.' or MOMS! But celebrating with Jess has made me so happy. She is such a blessing in my life and a true example of a Godly lady... and her fiance isn't that shabby of a Godly example either. She is like my example of hope in a lot of ways. Her patience and faith have really paid off. Yesterday was just a grand day of enjoying friendships and investing in one another.

   
     And to cap off a great weekend my dear friend Lizzy came to stay with me! We had great plans of going out on the town and being young and free but we ended up staying in and just enjoying good food and each others company. She set me straight on a lot and we just were able to talk about so much. She helps me find my footing. 






 I have just had so many blessings. I have wonderful friends. Some that I don't get to see as much as others. But one thing I have realized about myself is that I prefer deep one on one relationships to a plethora of acquaintances.  

 

     And these are just a few of the ladies that have blessed my life beyond compare. I love what they teach me. Sometimes I hate what they teach me but just the fact that we make a difference in each others life is a big deal.

So really I've had so many good things in life. Hard stuff too for sure. This year (as I've said many times before) has been extremely tough. The big thing is that it seems that every time I see the joy in a situation or have just a boost of hope, that seems to be the time that I get hit by hard things. Things that make me sad, discouraged, hurt. (Finances, waiting, decisions, guy disappointments, hurt friends, misunderstandings, family, loss)  These things all steal my happy heart. Happy hearts are hard to come by I've realized and I like to try and supply them when I can. So really I guess this post is a thank you to all of you who remind me of my happy heart. Just thinking of the good things in life helps the face extensively :) And then in the bad times you are just that much more grateful for the things that helped instead of hurt.

    

Pro-Life

   I'm not going to continue with what I was talking about in my last blog. It was pretty much a ramble about my life anyway :) I've been reading this book that a friend of mine has been telling me to read for years. It's called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" By Brennan Manning and it is phenomenal! It has made me think so much.

     The premise to it is basically about how we are prone to not truly accept God's love and forgiveness. That's something I have struggled with for years. I tend to think that yes God is faithful and loving... But I don't deserve it. How incredibly silly of me to think that an all powerful God could be limited by something as trivial as my worthiness. God loves and forgives me because that is His very nature and He cannot be untrue to who He is. It is not because I deserve it. It won't change because I don't deserve it. It is how it is because of who He is.

     That isn't even the point of this blog. I've talked so much in these blogs about my relationships and how I view relationships in general and this book has made me think. It has even convicted me of so much where relationships are concerned. One thing that really got me was this quote...

      "We are not pro-life simply because we are warding off death. We are pro-life to the extent that we are men and women for others, all others; to the extent that no human flesh is a stranger to us; to the extent that we can touch the hand of another in love; to the extent that to us there are no others." 

     I am most definitely pro-life. I know and love children who could have been disposed of because they were unplanned. I cherish these children and can't imagine a life without them. The way I believe in this aspect affects a lot of my political choices and day to day choices. A big part of what I want to do is give children like this a chance at life. But something I haven't really thought a lot about is how "Pro-life" I am with all people in general. Do I love people truly? Do I weep when anyone is lost? Do I feel anything at all for human kind? Yes I desire to help those I know. I desire to help people that can't help themselves…but what about the people who can help themselves? What about the people who I don't understand as well. Do I even pursue a relationship with them? 

     Awhile back when Osama Bin Laden was killed and the nation was rejoicing I found myself torn. Yes I was happy that the world was rid of this terrible man's deeds. But a part of me hurt that we rejoiced... This man's soul was lost forever. My Jesus loved Him just as much as He loves me and had offered to give Him abundant life just as I have been offered. How could I rejoice when my Jesus was weeping over a lost soul? His desire was that NO ONE should perish but have everlasting life in Him.

        And not even that extreme... I tend to make snap judgments of people. I decide if people are innately good or evil just in how they look at me once. I choose whether to love someone just by how they make me feel at the time. My love is so impure and conditional and no way close to how Jesus loves.

      "Authentic faith leads us to treat others with unconditional seriousness and to a loving reverence for the mystery of the human personality."

     We are all the same but at the same time all different. We all are at the same level. We are sinners who have been offered the same pardon. But we all deal with things differently. We react differently. No one is better or worse because of their personality or their way of dealing… so maybe if we spent a little more time really listening and understanding we would be able to have meaningful relationships with people that are different than us.

     That’s another thing I’ve realized… I’m pretty bad at relationships in general. I’m becoming a bad listener these days because my own mind is too busy. I don’t listen well even to the people that I care about the most. I talk a lot I just don’t listen. Listening is probably a key part about caring about people, just a guess.

     The point of this blog has been and continues to be a way for me to process. I think so very much and this has proved to be an excellent way for me to organize my thoughts. I have shared a lot about me and just the way I am viewing life these days. I am so confused on so many points yet so enlightened on others. I’m learning how to treat people and learning better ways to react to how I am treated. I guess I am just seeking better understanding and patience. I am seeking to be a better listener. I am not seeking to be perfect… I know that Christ is the only one who can accomplish that and in Him I am already seen that way. Not that I just go out and do what I want but, out of my love for Him, I seek His will. I hope these posts are somehow beneficial to you as well J Until next time.

                     All Quotes use in this Blog are from The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning.

Be Blessed

     I have had an intense craving for blogging for the past couple of weeks. My new journey has filled me with so much to write about. Some sad disappointments but most happy revelations! Since the last post I have made my own home here in this bustling city. Tons of people have asked me aren't you scared out of your mind? And the answer is no. I haven't really experienced much fear. I'm just so enjoying living the way that I was designed. I am a very neat organized person and my home reflects that (Though my mind doesn't always). I was recently told that my small apartment should be on Pinterest. I haven't decided if I'm happy or sad about that... (Mostly happy I think!) I live in quite the little routine and I am enjoying it immensely. 


     My job has treated me well... it has had a few very disappointing surprises though. The areas I love to work the most have few and far between hours. So I'm adjusting but hoping to learn to love the other aspects of the job as well. One of my favorite areas to work in is our weekly kids night. It's a time to do crafts with the kids and just talk to them. I had a very intense conversation with a group of kids (all under ten) About our favorite comic book characters. And yes I was ridiculed because mine is Captain America. But honestly I didn't know that EVERYONE'S favorite was the Captain! But kid's night reconfirms my desire to work with kids I think.


     Last time I talked about the Children's Shelter I was excited about volunteering at. Well that application process is going pretty slow because it asks for a lot of information. But it is definitely still in the works. I even saw where you could apply to work full time with them and you don't even have to be married! (Score!) But I want to volunteer quite a bit first to get a feel for how well I could do that job. So hopefully I can get that together by August at the latest.


    I am still searching for a church family which is proving to be extremely difficult. I want a very specific environment and it is proving to be hard to find. I go to one Bible study regularly and that has proved to be a blessing. But I am trying to branch out and give other places a shot.


     I am basically content. I have had disappointments. I have struggled with different things and I still struggle daily. I'm trying new things. I'm finally at a place where I feel happy with myself. Happy might not be a good word... I am joyful... Even when circumstances sadden me, I can still have joy.


     I Hang out with a very interesting crowd here. And not surprisingly I am the only single one in the group! I just realized yesterday that all my friends here are married, married with kids, or engaged. How I ended up in this group I have no clue. (Well most of them are family and old friends but still!) But the funniest part is I haven't really noticed it! I just realized yesterday actually how out of place I am. But you know I've realized that I am super content to be without an other half. In fact I have wrestled with the thoughts that I don't really want to meet anyone at this point. I'm not fond of the disappointment that it usually brings. So I'm happy with my "Perpetual singleness" actually. Now yes I do wish I had someone to take care of me sometimes but mainly in that situation I wish I had my dad back. But you know even in that my family has really stepped up for me lately. There's so much to be grateful for and I'm realizing that I see those things more here recently than I dwell on my disappointment. I still have my days but God has been faithful to remind me of His faithfulness a lot. 


     I have to go to work so this may be continued later. Or I may just leave it as is. Any grammatical errors will be fixed later! :) Or not depending on how I feel. Be blessed. It's just as much your choice as anyone else! 

I'm So Excited!

     Things are starting to get good here in SA. I've been working for the past two weeks now. It's been tough learning the ropes and figuring out what's expected of me but I also just feel really blessed to be here. I've been visiting different churches. I haven't found the church yet, but all things take time. I move into my very own home on Saturday! I never thought I would live in a place where everything I could ever need is on the same street as my house. I'm definitely used to being a country lady but I like trying new things. I just feel overly blessed at this point in my life. It's been an increasingly hard year for me and, though I still struggle so much, I just feel like God is allowing me to see the light in the darkness.
     
     The other day I was visiting a very dear friend back in the Austin area. One thing very special about this friend is when she asks me "how I'm doing" she always asks me twice... This is needed for me because I (like a lot of other people) always automatically answer "Good!" Well it has been her tradition to ask me and then ask me again. When she asks me the second time I always realize what a liar I am. For the past several months I have not been good. I have not been good at all. I've been grieving and dealing with the changes in my life and in me (That I wasn't so sure I liked at all). But what is special about this time is when she asked me twice I realized that I really am doing well! I am dealing. And that is something that does not come naturally to me. I believe in being "strong" and in the past that has meant pushing everything that hurt away. I don't know if I'm entirely cured but I'm seeing the small steps I've taking. I'm happy... and not all the time. I still get sad. In fact today was actually one of my sad days. I got discouraged and really missed my dad. Father's day is coming up and I don't quite know what to do with that yet. But I am seeing the happy in things more often now than the sad. I am joyful I guess you could say, because only God can provide that and what I have surely doesn't come from anything I can conjure.
     
     One thing that has really made me happy recently is that I am seeing doors open. I've always had all these great longings to do more and to serve in specific ways. But I have always thought "well maybe when I finish school"... or "maybe after I gain some more life experience." But doors are opening and I am so eager to jump through them! I have talked about working with kids who are in need since high school. I have talked about working within children's shelters, schools or maybe even an adoption agency. Just somewhere that can give these kids a different life, and most importantly a more abundant life! Well I just picked up my first volunteer application for a children's shelter here in SA and I couldn't be more excited to finally be putting some actions with my words. It also helps to know that my Dad would be proud of me. He always believed in the importance of missionaries at home. This could be exactly what God has planned for my life or it will be how God will show me other things... but it's a step... and let me tell you, I was getting so very tired of just standing still. (Sadly the door almost closed because the receptionist at the children's shelter was convinced that I couldn't be older than eighteen... which is the required age! Someday my eternal youth will be a blessing) Laughter :)
     
     I'm just in a state of contentment right now at how things are panning out. Do I still get flustered at times? Definitely... I am still human. But just knowing that whatever I am feeling in the moment will pass and I will smile again, that is the biggest blessing. I think maybe that has a lot to do with what contentment looks like. (Possibly?) Anyway I guess the thing that has me most excited is that I am taking action. Action and words, though only one truly speaks the other is the only one truly heard. I don't really want myself to be heard (I don't have much to say worth hearing) but I want God to be heard through me. It is encouraging to me that, even though I am extremely flawed, God does these little things to remind me that He is not done with me yet.


                                              The reason I want to give kid's a better life stems
                                                       From these kids right here. They are teaching me patience. 
                                                      But I love them more than anything. My nieces and nephews.

 

Complicating Simplicity

     Today I have been thinking a lot about how complicated we make life. In the past couple of years I have wondered why there are just some things that confuse me to no end and just seem impossible to figure out. I cannot stand the common way of doing things. The way that people never say what they mean or do what they actually want to do drives me insane. And yes I am also guilty of this terrible way of life. I keep things locked away when it would be better if they were spoken and I don't act on things I know I want... just because I lack the confidence to do so. 


     But in thinking all these things I think of times when I did act and was honest and I was utterly and thoroughly rejected. I just can't figure out which is worse. Wishing I would have or wishing that I never wanted to because it just didn't work out. The world is full of crushed hopes and dreams that were never meant to be. How do we cope with such heartache? For it is heartache when you think of what could have been. For me there is nothing worse than caring for something or someone more than I am cared for in return. All those invested emotions just seem to be trampled on just by the lack of acknowledgement that they exist. I hate the feeling of wanting to work on something that amounts to nothing or a relationship that is not equally invested on from the other side. Each time this happens it feels like a piece of my heart is taken from me.


     As I have written before my life is no where near what I expected it to be. I long to finish college. I long to start a family. I just long for things to be simpler honestly. I was watching some old TV shows earlier tonight and the family life portrayed in these shows were just so simple. Relationships presented mild challenges but always in the end the characters said exactly what they wanted to say and they were rewarded with mutual feelings in the end. What I would give for that type of simplicity. That any conflict or speed bump in life could be easily smoothed over by mutual affection and understanding by all parties involved. It sounds life a fairy tale and in fact it probably is.


     No we don't live in a world where life is that simple. Try as we might we will not always maintain or gain the relationships we hope for. We won't always speak plainly or act when we should. We are flawed and it's time we admitted it. Oh yes we should strive to imitate Christ but that should be out of the overflow of our hearts and not out of the skills in acting we may possess. But you see there is one very important lesson I learned earlier this week about this and I've been meaning to share it. Let me draw from some wisdom entirely not my own...


      Philippians 4:11-13... "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in ANY and EVERY situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me."


     Now I am sure that most people weren't as silly as me when they studied this passage of scripture but I tended to break it into pieces. I would always read the part about being content and I would love the idea. I would think If I could just simplify I could become content. if I could just do this or that I would learn how to be content. If I would just stop wanting I would be content. I would always wonder what the secret was. (I know completely dumb!) Then I would give up on that and continue reading and I would read How I can do all things through Christ. Well that is an amazing verse of encouragement! The problem was... I heard it so much it had lost it's meaning to me. It had become trite. It was did not evoke emotion in me as it should. Here's the thing I just realized... These verses go hand in hand. Yes I can be content but only because Christ gives me the strength to do so. I who loves the idea of simplicity and seeing things for what they are and not what they are dressed up to be. I had complicated one of the simplest truths in the scripture. I can do all things through Christ who give me the strength to do so. Even be content with not being able to control my life. Even be content in not knowing how to simplify. Contentment, like simplicity, is not something you work on... It's something you allow. 


     Yes we have complicated everything in life. We say and do things we don't mean or believe. We strive to be content. But what we miss is that striving and contentment cannot even be in the same room together. In order to truly simplify we must relinquish the control we don't actually have. To do everything through Christ who gives us strength is not to go and fight the battle of discontent and strive for perfection. It is to allow God's strength to permeate through us and replace a heavy heart with a heart of peace. God provides the strength to overcome one of our biggest obstacles in our path to contentment and that is ourselves. Everything that I "lack" will diminish in appearance if I allow my focus to disengage from myself and focus on the purpose that God gives me strength to accomplish.

The word is VALUE. Do you have any?

     On to something new I say! I am packing up and leaving in the morning for my newest adventure. I really enjoy adventure and I tend to have my share of them. I have moved many many times in the past few years and have not stayed anywhere for longer than ten months at a time! I am something of a gypsy and I get antsy when I sit still. My newest adventure is a little bit intimidating because for once I am not going into it thinking of when I will leave it for the next one. It is very stable, and honestly I'm not used to stable. I'm used to doing things that are not meant to be forever things. Though I doubt I will do this new thing forever  I feel like I will be in this new place for awhile. (In fact my address will even be changed on my license. That is quite serious for me!) But this is not meant to be a rant about new beginnings... It is meant to be a rant about people and relationships. 


     In going into this new life I am very excited but at the same time I have a very empty feeling within me. I have lost so many people in the past year. Whether it be truly losing them or just losing touch with them. I get quite attached to people and I tend to care deeply. I sometimes regret these character traits of mine because I have felt so very empty over this past year saying goodbye to one after the other. Honestly it makes me a bit cynical toward allowing new people to obtain my affections.  The effort all these relationships have taken out of me has brought me a great deal of pain and maybe even a little bitterness.


     Today I was having lunch with a dear old friend and we were actually discussing all these things. We are rather similar which may be why we have remained such good friends for so long. We value our family and friends highly above most other things. In my mind this seems like a good thing... but why does it seem like in this age we are really supposed to be seeking out our best interests rather than building lasting relationships? Why does it seem that tasks and position are valued over people?


     I've been thinking about this a lot lately and one thing I've thought about are woman in society today... What comes to mind when you think of an accomplished woman? In my mind I see a woman who knows how to care about others. A woman who has an elegant confidence and is conscious  of how she effects others . The women we value these days however are the take charge types. The media is full of woman who use their sexuality and ruthlessness to obtain whatever they want. We praise these woman. We lift them up as the model for what a woman should be. Men are presented in the media as either selfish and irresponsible or as controlled by the women in their lives. I think of these things and I can't help but think of my nieces and nephew and how these are the figures that will influence them. It just makes me sad. 


     We allow ourselves to be consumed with self. We allow ourselves to be petty about things that honestly don't matter. We mistreat others and praise ourselves. We seek favor with others so that we may get ahead. And this a description of Christians...these traits don't look a thing like Christ. 


     I know this has been quite a ramble but I suppose my main point is that the art of valuing others has been almost lost. We no longer respect the person. We respect the position. We no longer seek to be ladies. We seek to be antagonist, to prey on others. We no longer allow our men to be leaders. We belittle them. We no longer think of the example we are setting... but the next generation will learn from us. Friendships are more for elevation rather than for mutual encouragement. The art of respect and kindness could greatly help our current situation. 


     I'm really excited about my new beginning even though I have been made sad. But to allow myself to be bitter and shut others out is my choice. It is not something I can be made into. I cannot blame a bad friendship for making me a bad friend. I cannot blame a man for not being a gentleman if I have not been a lady. I cannot blame the next generation if I have taught them nothing of value. I cannot demand respect if I am not respectful. I cannot follow Christ without imitating His steps. I am called to value others above myself and that mean to care deeply even when it seems others do not. I may not be able to change the world in doing this but I cannot allow the world to change me.

Gandhi once said...

      I think I have mentioned before that I am rather terrible at expressing myself. I always tend to say things in a way that I don't mean them! Like today I was talking to my brother and his girl about religion, books and all of the other random things we talk about. The last thing I want to do is discourage my family from church, but I have found in the past couple of years I have been a little discouraged when it come to "religious" people. I have mentioned before my issues with having an open mind when it comes to "closed minded" people (I know irony). The thing is I have a passion against the religious mindset. The mindset that there is a set of rules that must be followed. Or that there is a specific denomination that knows the way to heaven or whatever else the religious set is convinced of. Gosh even now I feel like I'm saying the wrong things. Bare with me and I will try and explain.


     I most definitely seek to be a Christian. I believe the gospel. Jesus came to save us from our sins. (That being the gospel in a nutshell). But here's what I think we miss. Jesus didn't just do us this great favor of opening the gate to heaven and if we try hard enough we will get there... Here's the way I see it. From the beginning God created us to have a RELATIONSHIP with him. In the beginning Adam and Eve walked and talked with God. Now no surprise we ended up getting distracted by discontent and separated ourselves from God. However, the whole old testament shows God not only as a god of judgment and wrath but as a God of pursuit. But what about all the things that we read of and think "now why would God allow that to happen" or "yeesh that seems a little harsh"? Well I don't claim to know. God explains that He is a god of justice and I just have to believe that. But in so much of it, even the really terrible things, I see that it was all in pursuit of us. It was a pursuit of the relationship that we turned away from in the beginning. So God gently and not so gently sought to show his people that he is God and that he is to be worshiped above all else. We still turn away and we ignore him. So He seeks to remind His people of who he is and he gives them the law... Well they start to do ok with this instruction manual they have been given. The problem is we now depend on our own obedience of the law to ensure our salvation. Well we get to Jesus  and He has come to fulfill the law so that we can gratefully realize that all God want's (and has ever wanted) is a relationship with his creation. Relationship as it should be full of the things of God (Love, Joy, Patience, Gentleness, Meekness, Self-Control...) Well we have been doing this law stuff for a LONG time and we are pretty used to it. So we don't want to give it up... So in essence we are still trying to please God by doing things that are no longer necessarily because they have been fulfilled by Jesus. So now all our works are void. This is where we stopped I think. Jesus spent a lot of time teaching against religion. That's why the religious leaders hated him. He was saying that all of there efforts were now worthless. They hated that because if all you needed was a relationship with God then that meant that they were on the same level as everyone else. How can you judge if you are the same as everyone? 


     In saying all that I guess the point I am trying to get at is that we are in a never ending cycle. Either we are at the point of being discontent and seeking other god's... or we are so caught up in what we can and can't do. Religion is this to me... It is a state of seeking to be good enough. To pursue "perfection". Now religious people may be some of the most moral people that you may know... There's nothing wrong with having morals. The problem is when we focus so hard on the rules we miss out on the relationship. Jesus told us to "come follow me". And we teach that in our churches. Then we come up with all these formula bible studies to attempt to "look like Jesus". What we miss is what Jesus looked like. Jesus hung out with the down and out. He was so outside the norm of his time. People didn't always think highly of him... a lot of people thought he was a drunk or crazy. He didn't fit in. He didn't pay attention to all the religious practices. People came first to him no matter where they were at (in church or not) Jesus never would turn someone away because of their appearance or previous choices. He did not snub others because they didn't follow the same rules as him.


     Gandhi once said "I love your Christ but I hate your Christians". Some people will be really upset that I quoted a man such as Gandhi because that is taboo in being a religious christian.  So they will probably ignore how very sad that statement is. Christian means little Christ... If this man can honestly say that He loved Christ but not the people that are supposed to be representing Christ we should be asking where we are going wrong! I have watched too many religious christian's drive people away from Christ because they didn't fit the mold religion has created. This is unacceptable. 


     So maybe we should re-examine our goals. If we are focused on effort rather than seeking  then something is wrong. If we are giving up on people because we think they could never "change their ways" then something is wrong. If we are more focused on our appearance than Christ's appearance then something is wrong. Everyone's relationship with Christ is their own. It is between them and God. We have no room to judge what God may be speaking in their lives. I am not even allowed to judge "closed minded" people. That is not my place. My place is allowing Christ to cultivate a relationship with me. He will teach me in ways that others may not understand. My place is also to love others because I am seeking to be like Christ and He IS love.


     I hope some of that made sense and you got what I was trying to convey. I struggle with anger against religious christianity because I have seen it hurt so many people I love. God will heal my heart from this and I will learn to love them as Christ does. However, I stand firm in my conviction that we are meant to be Christ followers and not rule followers. I will study the life of Christ and who He is not someone else's idea of what a christian should be.