Last night I had a dream that was half wonderful but in my waking hours it was half terrible. I dreamed that it was my wedding day and it was beautiful. I was getting married outside on a beautiful sunny day at my childhood church. There were rows and rows of chairs and none of them were empty. I was happy, very happy and I was searching the crowd. Then finally I found who I was looking for. My dad stood before me in his green button up shirt that was always a favorite of mine. He took my hand and we walked down the aisle. I never saw my groom. I never saw my dress. I just saw my dad and in my dream I was happy. I woke from that dream with a heavy heart because that dream will never be a reality.
A year ago today my Dad was diagnosed with the cancer that would take his life. I remember I had just come home from a summer at working at camp. It had been a challenging summer for me. Not just at camp but in life in general. There were so many changes in my life and decisions I had to make that I didn't feel ready for. I felt completely lost. And then I got the news of my Dad's diagnoses. I remember taking it in and feeling immediate fear, which soon turned into a calm because I had heard many many diagnoses that concerned my dad throughout the years. He had suffered from several cancers among other things and he had always prevailed. A year ago today I didn't realize how serious it would be. The worst thing you can do at a time like this is use google. I did and it scared me, but I still had hope. Looking back I think I knew that this was going to be it. That this would be the last diagnoses I would ever be told concerning my dad.
I feel like I have aged far more than a year since then. I stayed at home for the first month trying to decide what to do. I ultimately went back to my safe haven of camp because I knew I could go home when I needed to and my dad wanted me to continue on with my life. There are so many quiet moments where I wonder if I made the wrong choice in not staying with my dad during those months. I honestly don't know what more I could have done but I just wish I would have savored the moments I had with him. I wrote my dad a letter soon after I went back to Austin and I asked him to fight. But four months later when I watched him suffer so intensely I wished that I had never asked so much from him. A year ago today I began to grow up. A year ago today the longest and shortest 4 months began. There were several rushes home during those months. One trip of 24 hours in two days to a hospital in Shreveport after a frightening call from home. The last month of my dad's life I was there and I watched him decline to the point where he no longer knew me, saw me as a threat and even swung his fists when I tried to help him. I could almost carry my own father before it was over. Those were the darkest of days.
It's strange to think now about a year ago I didn't care to have a wedding or make a big deal out of graduation or whatever. I didn't need my dad to walk me down the aisle, I would just elope if I ever got married. But today I wish more than anything that when I graduate from college I could take the traditional parents flanking the grad photo. I wish that I had my dad to walk me down the aisle in a modest outdoor wedding. I wish He could meet my kids. I wish I would have tried harder to speak louder so my dad could hear me. To have not have ever gotten aggravated with the way he chewed or the way he would leave the blinker going after he had made his turn. I wish I would have appreciated him more and let him kiss me on the cheek even when he had scratchy whiskers. I wish I would appreciated and told him thank you for how much he had overcome with his Bipolar condition and didn't just always think of all the challenges his condition brought. I wish I had him back.
After my dad's death I went back to work. And I thought maybe I will just heal quietly and not cause problems. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was looking for safety for security because all of that was torn from me. I was hoping for a white knight. I thought I found something or someone who could help the hurt stop but I only defrauded myself and ended up hurting more. Everyone understood. But people can understand only as long as they think they can help. I didn't know how to help myself so I had no idea how someone else could help me. Everyone understands until they don't. I would have given anything if someone could fix me but no one can. I still don't quite know what I can do to hurt less. All I know is I have to continue to live my life. I have questioned everything in the past few months. My faith, my relationships, my morals. I have been so lonely at times and so very frightened. But I am told that this is all just part of the process.
Now I don't want this to be a huge downer. I needed to type this all out because I don't allow myself to hurt enough or think through it all enough. Some blessings that have come out of all the pain are as follows. My family has become a much tighter core in my life. We check up on each other, we care for each other. I have watched my brother's take care of my mom and their families, even start new families. I couldn't be prouder of them. My sister is healing from so many hurts and God has sent her so many comforts. Maybe even a white knight? :) Even though we lost our dad God has reminded us that he has promised new life and I will get to welcome a new nephew or niece in February. I have become so much stronger. I have learned not to take my family for granted and I'm finally doing things that I have always wanted. One thing my Dad said before he passed was to a missionary friend of our families. He said that his daughter Kaytha (ME!) was a missionary too. He said this with so much pride that I have carried those words in my heart for the past year. My dad loved me, he was proud of me and I value those things more than any perfect childhood or being the daddies girl that I wasn't. I learned that though I questioned everything I had nothing if I didn't have my faith. Through my loneliness I am learning that Christ will never abandon me. Though I fear the times that I will lose others that I love I now know that I will survive. Time marches on, and I have been given a chance to treasure the ones I love. A year ago today I could have given up but by God's grace I am still standing.
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