I have had an intense craving for blogging for the past couple of weeks. My new journey has filled me with so much to write about. Some sad disappointments but most happy revelations! Since the last post I have made my own home here in this bustling city. Tons of people have asked me aren't you scared out of your mind? And the answer is no. I haven't really experienced much fear. I'm just so enjoying living the way that I was designed. I am a very neat organized person and my home reflects that (Though my mind doesn't always). I was recently told that my small apartment should be on Pinterest. I haven't decided if I'm happy or sad about that... (Mostly happy I think!) I live in quite the little routine and I am enjoying it immensely.
My job has treated me well... it has had a few very disappointing surprises though. The areas I love to work the most have few and far between hours. So I'm adjusting but hoping to learn to love the other aspects of the job as well. One of my favorite areas to work in is our weekly kids night. It's a time to do crafts with the kids and just talk to them. I had a very intense conversation with a group of kids (all under ten) About our favorite comic book characters. And yes I was ridiculed because mine is Captain America. But honestly I didn't know that EVERYONE'S favorite was the Captain! But kid's night reconfirms my desire to work with kids I think.
Last time I talked about the Children's Shelter I was excited about volunteering at. Well that application process is going pretty slow because it asks for a lot of information. But it is definitely still in the works. I even saw where you could apply to work full time with them and you don't even have to be married! (Score!) But I want to volunteer quite a bit first to get a feel for how well I could do that job. So hopefully I can get that together by August at the latest.
I am still searching for a church family which is proving to be extremely difficult. I want a very specific environment and it is proving to be hard to find. I go to one Bible study regularly and that has proved to be a blessing. But I am trying to branch out and give other places a shot.
I am basically content. I have had disappointments. I have struggled with different things and I still struggle daily. I'm trying new things. I'm finally at a place where I feel happy with myself. Happy might not be a good word... I am joyful... Even when circumstances sadden me, I can still have joy.
I Hang out with a very interesting crowd here. And not surprisingly I am the only single one in the group! I just realized yesterday that all my friends here are married, married with kids, or engaged. How I ended up in this group I have no clue. (Well most of them are family and old friends but still!) But the funniest part is I haven't really noticed it! I just realized yesterday actually how out of place I am. But you know I've realized that I am super content to be without an other half. In fact I have wrestled with the thoughts that I don't really want to meet anyone at this point. I'm not fond of the disappointment that it usually brings. So I'm happy with my "Perpetual singleness" actually. Now yes I do wish I had someone to take care of me sometimes but mainly in that situation I wish I had my dad back. But you know even in that my family has really stepped up for me lately. There's so much to be grateful for and I'm realizing that I see those things more here recently than I dwell on my disappointment. I still have my days but God has been faithful to remind me of His faithfulness a lot.
I have to go to work so this may be continued later. Or I may just leave it as is. Any grammatical errors will be fixed later! :) Or not depending on how I feel. Be blessed. It's just as much your choice as anyone else!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I'm So Excited!
Things are starting to get good here in SA. I've been working for the past two weeks now. It's been tough learning the ropes and figuring out what's expected of me but I also just feel really blessed to be here. I've been visiting different churches. I haven't found the church yet, but all things take time. I move into my very own home on Saturday! I never thought I would live in a place where everything I could ever need is on the same street as my house. I'm definitely used to being a country lady but I like trying new things. I just feel overly blessed at this point in my life. It's been an increasingly hard year for me and, though I still struggle so much, I just feel like God is allowing me to see the light in the darkness.
The other day I was visiting a very dear friend back in the Austin area. One thing very special about this friend is when she asks me "how I'm doing" she always asks me twice... This is needed for me because I (like a lot of other people) always automatically answer "Good!" Well it has been her tradition to ask me and then ask me again. When she asks me the second time I always realize what a liar I am. For the past several months I have not been good. I have not been good at all. I've been grieving and dealing with the changes in my life and in me (That I wasn't so sure I liked at all). But what is special about this time is when she asked me twice I realized that I really am doing well! I am dealing. And that is something that does not come naturally to me. I believe in being "strong" and in the past that has meant pushing everything that hurt away. I don't know if I'm entirely cured but I'm seeing the small steps I've taking. I'm happy... and not all the time. I still get sad. In fact today was actually one of my sad days. I got discouraged and really missed my dad. Father's day is coming up and I don't quite know what to do with that yet. But I am seeing the happy in things more often now than the sad. I am joyful I guess you could say, because only God can provide that and what I have surely doesn't come from anything I can conjure.
One thing that has really made me happy recently is that I am seeing doors open. I've always had all these great longings to do more and to serve in specific ways. But I have always thought "well maybe when I finish school"... or "maybe after I gain some more life experience." But doors are opening and I am so eager to jump through them! I have talked about working with kids who are in need since high school. I have talked about working within children's shelters, schools or maybe even an adoption agency. Just somewhere that can give these kids a different life, and most importantly a more abundant life! Well I just picked up my first volunteer application for a children's shelter here in SA and I couldn't be more excited to finally be putting some actions with my words. It also helps to know that my Dad would be proud of me. He always believed in the importance of missionaries at home. This could be exactly what God has planned for my life or it will be how God will show me other things... but it's a step... and let me tell you, I was getting so very tired of just standing still. (Sadly the door almost closed because the receptionist at the children's shelter was convinced that I couldn't be older than eighteen... which is the required age! Someday my eternal youth will be a blessing) Laughter :)
I'm just in a state of contentment right now at how things are panning out. Do I still get flustered at times? Definitely... I am still human. But just knowing that whatever I am feeling in the moment will pass and I will smile again, that is the biggest blessing. I think maybe that has a lot to do with what contentment looks like. (Possibly?) Anyway I guess the thing that has me most excited is that I am taking action. Action and words, though only one truly speaks the other is the only one truly heard. I don't really want myself to be heard (I don't have much to say worth hearing) but I want God to be heard through me. It is encouraging to me that, even though I am extremely flawed, God does these little things to remind me that He is not done with me yet.
The reason I want to give kid's a better life stems
From these kids right here. They are teaching me patience.
But I love them more than anything. My nieces and nephews.
The other day I was visiting a very dear friend back in the Austin area. One thing very special about this friend is when she asks me "how I'm doing" she always asks me twice... This is needed for me because I (like a lot of other people) always automatically answer "Good!" Well it has been her tradition to ask me and then ask me again. When she asks me the second time I always realize what a liar I am. For the past several months I have not been good. I have not been good at all. I've been grieving and dealing with the changes in my life and in me (That I wasn't so sure I liked at all). But what is special about this time is when she asked me twice I realized that I really am doing well! I am dealing. And that is something that does not come naturally to me. I believe in being "strong" and in the past that has meant pushing everything that hurt away. I don't know if I'm entirely cured but I'm seeing the small steps I've taking. I'm happy... and not all the time. I still get sad. In fact today was actually one of my sad days. I got discouraged and really missed my dad. Father's day is coming up and I don't quite know what to do with that yet. But I am seeing the happy in things more often now than the sad. I am joyful I guess you could say, because only God can provide that and what I have surely doesn't come from anything I can conjure.
One thing that has really made me happy recently is that I am seeing doors open. I've always had all these great longings to do more and to serve in specific ways. But I have always thought "well maybe when I finish school"... or "maybe after I gain some more life experience." But doors are opening and I am so eager to jump through them! I have talked about working with kids who are in need since high school. I have talked about working within children's shelters, schools or maybe even an adoption agency. Just somewhere that can give these kids a different life, and most importantly a more abundant life! Well I just picked up my first volunteer application for a children's shelter here in SA and I couldn't be more excited to finally be putting some actions with my words. It also helps to know that my Dad would be proud of me. He always believed in the importance of missionaries at home. This could be exactly what God has planned for my life or it will be how God will show me other things... but it's a step... and let me tell you, I was getting so very tired of just standing still. (Sadly the door almost closed because the receptionist at the children's shelter was convinced that I couldn't be older than eighteen... which is the required age! Someday my eternal youth will be a blessing) Laughter :)
I'm just in a state of contentment right now at how things are panning out. Do I still get flustered at times? Definitely... I am still human. But just knowing that whatever I am feeling in the moment will pass and I will smile again, that is the biggest blessing. I think maybe that has a lot to do with what contentment looks like. (Possibly?) Anyway I guess the thing that has me most excited is that I am taking action. Action and words, though only one truly speaks the other is the only one truly heard. I don't really want myself to be heard (I don't have much to say worth hearing) but I want God to be heard through me. It is encouraging to me that, even though I am extremely flawed, God does these little things to remind me that He is not done with me yet.
The reason I want to give kid's a better life stems
From these kids right here. They are teaching me patience.
But I love them more than anything. My nieces and nephews.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Complicating Simplicity
Today I have been thinking a lot about how complicated we make life. In the past couple of years I have wondered why there are just some things that confuse me to no end and just seem impossible to figure out. I cannot stand the common way of doing things. The way that people never say what they mean or do what they actually want to do drives me insane. And yes I am also guilty of this terrible way of life. I keep things locked away when it would be better if they were spoken and I don't act on things I know I want... just because I lack the confidence to do so.
But in thinking all these things I think of times when I did act and was honest and I was utterly and thoroughly rejected. I just can't figure out which is worse. Wishing I would have or wishing that I never wanted to because it just didn't work out. The world is full of crushed hopes and dreams that were never meant to be. How do we cope with such heartache? For it is heartache when you think of what could have been. For me there is nothing worse than caring for something or someone more than I am cared for in return. All those invested emotions just seem to be trampled on just by the lack of acknowledgement that they exist. I hate the feeling of wanting to work on something that amounts to nothing or a relationship that is not equally invested on from the other side. Each time this happens it feels like a piece of my heart is taken from me.
As I have written before my life is no where near what I expected it to be. I long to finish college. I long to start a family. I just long for things to be simpler honestly. I was watching some old TV shows earlier tonight and the family life portrayed in these shows were just so simple. Relationships presented mild challenges but always in the end the characters said exactly what they wanted to say and they were rewarded with mutual feelings in the end. What I would give for that type of simplicity. That any conflict or speed bump in life could be easily smoothed over by mutual affection and understanding by all parties involved. It sounds life a fairy tale and in fact it probably is.
No we don't live in a world where life is that simple. Try as we might we will not always maintain or gain the relationships we hope for. We won't always speak plainly or act when we should. We are flawed and it's time we admitted it. Oh yes we should strive to imitate Christ but that should be out of the overflow of our hearts and not out of the skills in acting we may possess. But you see there is one very important lesson I learned earlier this week about this and I've been meaning to share it. Let me draw from some wisdom entirely not my own...
Philippians 4:11-13... "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in ANY and EVERY situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me."
Now I am sure that most people weren't as silly as me when they studied this passage of scripture but I tended to break it into pieces. I would always read the part about being content and I would love the idea. I would think If I could just simplify I could become content. if I could just do this or that I would learn how to be content. If I would just stop wanting I would be content. I would always wonder what the secret was. (I know completely dumb!) Then I would give up on that and continue reading and I would read How I can do all things through Christ. Well that is an amazing verse of encouragement! The problem was... I heard it so much it had lost it's meaning to me. It had become trite. It was did not evoke emotion in me as it should. Here's the thing I just realized... These verses go hand in hand. Yes I can be content but only because Christ gives me the strength to do so. I who loves the idea of simplicity and seeing things for what they are and not what they are dressed up to be. I had complicated one of the simplest truths in the scripture. I can do all things through Christ who give me the strength to do so. Even be content with not being able to control my life. Even be content in not knowing how to simplify. Contentment, like simplicity, is not something you work on... It's something you allow.
Yes we have complicated everything in life. We say and do things we don't mean or believe. We strive to be content. But what we miss is that striving and contentment cannot even be in the same room together. In order to truly simplify we must relinquish the control we don't actually have. To do everything through Christ who gives us strength is not to go and fight the battle of discontent and strive for perfection. It is to allow God's strength to permeate through us and replace a heavy heart with a heart of peace. God provides the strength to overcome one of our biggest obstacles in our path to contentment and that is ourselves. Everything that I "lack" will diminish in appearance if I allow my focus to disengage from myself and focus on the purpose that God gives me strength to accomplish.
But in thinking all these things I think of times when I did act and was honest and I was utterly and thoroughly rejected. I just can't figure out which is worse. Wishing I would have or wishing that I never wanted to because it just didn't work out. The world is full of crushed hopes and dreams that were never meant to be. How do we cope with such heartache? For it is heartache when you think of what could have been. For me there is nothing worse than caring for something or someone more than I am cared for in return. All those invested emotions just seem to be trampled on just by the lack of acknowledgement that they exist. I hate the feeling of wanting to work on something that amounts to nothing or a relationship that is not equally invested on from the other side. Each time this happens it feels like a piece of my heart is taken from me.
As I have written before my life is no where near what I expected it to be. I long to finish college. I long to start a family. I just long for things to be simpler honestly. I was watching some old TV shows earlier tonight and the family life portrayed in these shows were just so simple. Relationships presented mild challenges but always in the end the characters said exactly what they wanted to say and they were rewarded with mutual feelings in the end. What I would give for that type of simplicity. That any conflict or speed bump in life could be easily smoothed over by mutual affection and understanding by all parties involved. It sounds life a fairy tale and in fact it probably is.
No we don't live in a world where life is that simple. Try as we might we will not always maintain or gain the relationships we hope for. We won't always speak plainly or act when we should. We are flawed and it's time we admitted it. Oh yes we should strive to imitate Christ but that should be out of the overflow of our hearts and not out of the skills in acting we may possess. But you see there is one very important lesson I learned earlier this week about this and I've been meaning to share it. Let me draw from some wisdom entirely not my own...
Philippians 4:11-13... "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in ANY and EVERY situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me."
Now I am sure that most people weren't as silly as me when they studied this passage of scripture but I tended to break it into pieces. I would always read the part about being content and I would love the idea. I would think If I could just simplify I could become content. if I could just do this or that I would learn how to be content. If I would just stop wanting I would be content. I would always wonder what the secret was. (I know completely dumb!) Then I would give up on that and continue reading and I would read How I can do all things through Christ. Well that is an amazing verse of encouragement! The problem was... I heard it so much it had lost it's meaning to me. It had become trite. It was did not evoke emotion in me as it should. Here's the thing I just realized... These verses go hand in hand. Yes I can be content but only because Christ gives me the strength to do so. I who loves the idea of simplicity and seeing things for what they are and not what they are dressed up to be. I had complicated one of the simplest truths in the scripture. I can do all things through Christ who give me the strength to do so. Even be content with not being able to control my life. Even be content in not knowing how to simplify. Contentment, like simplicity, is not something you work on... It's something you allow.
Yes we have complicated everything in life. We say and do things we don't mean or believe. We strive to be content. But what we miss is that striving and contentment cannot even be in the same room together. In order to truly simplify we must relinquish the control we don't actually have. To do everything through Christ who gives us strength is not to go and fight the battle of discontent and strive for perfection. It is to allow God's strength to permeate through us and replace a heavy heart with a heart of peace. God provides the strength to overcome one of our biggest obstacles in our path to contentment and that is ourselves. Everything that I "lack" will diminish in appearance if I allow my focus to disengage from myself and focus on the purpose that God gives me strength to accomplish.
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