Prayer Request?

I haven't blogged in a long time. And in all honesty I am a web of confusion here lately. I've been so busy with all the "must do's" of life and just in a state of the "I don't cares" that I haven't had time to really process what's going on with me. I have made mistake after mistake and have realized that they were a long time coming. Now you all know that I am a fan of complete honestly (god knows why) But the honest to goodness truth is I'm not doing so great with life right now.
Now I've definitely been beating myself up for this for the past few weeks. I have tried calling old friends, accountability, shear will-power but nothing has seemed to work. I feel like the combination of all the hurt and pain of the last few months finally combined and exploded into someone I never meant to be. I'm different now. I little rougher, a little sadder and a little more scared. Things I always thought I wanted I have begun to resent. I went from a state of complete invisibility to being seen more then I've ever wanted to. And by all the wrong people. I miss my dad more than anything in the world and I feel completely lost knowing I don't have him to turn to. Life has me completely stressed out.
Now for some happy. I've made some really great friends here and I have gotten so much closer to my family here. I'm getting into a good rhythm at work and I'm getting more responsibility. I've kind of given up on finding the perfect church and have just decided to just go to church, since not going to church has proved to be a very bad plan. I guess what i'm saying is even though I'm a mess right now and my relationship with Christ has suffered over the past few months, I know He is still holding onto me and through I may make bad choices He's faithful to bring me where He wants me no matter what road blocks I throw up. I would appreciate lots of prayers though, especially that I will make better choices and I will allow myself to look past the mistakes I have made.

Every Thorn

I’ve been having a hard time thinking happy thoughts here recently. I have had a hard time with life in the past couple of weeks and I was half determined to let myself sulk about all the negative things I could think of. Well here’s the thing about that. Once you begin to sulk or get depressed everything can’t help but begin to look up, where else could it go if you are already so far down. So anyway I had succumbed to my loneliness and was on the verge of complete emotional ruin when… things began to look up.

I have mentioned before how all of my friends/family here are married with kids or kids on the way… well back then it didn’t really bug me… until it did. You see I spent the first month of my life here just enjoying all the newness around me. I was setting up shop I guess you could say… I had sort of just let my heart be hurt so I was definitely not looking for that again. I was content with ignoring the fact that I was “alone”. Well after awhile I began to notice it and at first it didn’t bother me. But then I felt more and more like a third, fifth or seventh wheel. I felt like my singleness disrupted the happy balance of life that would otherwise exist if I were not around. Gosh I don’t really know if that makes sense or if that is completely nonsensical, but that is how I felt. I began to feel like I was a defect somehow.

I have been told over and over again that I am too picky when it comes to men. And maybe I am. But I can’t help that and I don’t know if I want to help that. I’ve always, always been afraid that I would end up settling for something I didn’t actually want and that was on my lists of things not to do. But in my increasing loneliness I wondered if maybe I should just give up on my ideals and accept what must be reality… I have been struggling with that for weeks (and I’m sure I will continue to struggle with it as the days go by) I have thought that maybe I am the problem and if I just am not good enough for the fellows that I have had interest in. And that made me come to the sinking realization of “oh great I am picky, but I choose the men that are even pickier than me.” This is probably true and God will probably bash me over the head one day just to make me see that I am looking in the wrong direction…or maybe not… whatever.

The second source to my loneliness would be not being able to find a church home. Dare I say, I think I may be even pickier when it comes to churches than I am when it comes to men. I have had the rare opportunity going into my adult life to be surrounded by a community of believers almost constantly. I’ve worked in the ministry for most of my after high school years thus far. I have always had one or two really close friends that were strong godly woman that I could count on to build me up. But moving here, I have left a lot of that behind. No I don’t work in a trying environment at all. I work with some of the happiest, kindest people I have ever known, maybe even kinder than the ones found in most ministries. I have just been lacking because I just haven’t found where I fit here. And honestly I have been so busy I haven’t had time to really get plugged in anywhere. It just seems that every church I have been to have been the wrong one. I feel like such a judgmental jerk saying that, but none of them have fit. I am looking for something so specific I’m not even sure if it exists or could exist. The problem is I had the perfect community to worship in just a few short months ago. It consisted of just a handful of people meeting together and just learning together. We were all friends so it was beyond comfortable and so very open and honest. I miss that so very much. I miss my best friends who I could just talk to. Who, no matter how stupid I was being, knew me and cared about me. Now they still exist. I haven’t lost them. But things are different and we are miles apart. Oh gosh I miss them.

I have missed my mom and siblings a lot since I’ve been here too. I guess it’s all just a compilation of that they truly can understand what is going on with me because they are going through  it too, and the simple fact that I just don’t want to be alone anymore. I want that constant everyday I’m for you; you’re for me relationship that just hasn’t been possible with so many others because they have their own friends and their own families. Where does that leave me? I can feel myself getting antsy and I even annoy myself with how crazy I get. Maybe I just am seeking attention? Am I an intruder, an outsider or maybe just someone who thinks too much? Who knows, probably the last one but moving on…

So those are all sources of my loneliness. Another I guess could be that I’m human and we get lonely sometimes. But here’s the good part, I have found some reasons to be happy about being alone. I don’t know if this has been made clear but I read a lot. I read almost anything, not quite but almost. So I have been reading this book that talks about being a Lady of God and it discusses the gift of singleness… Yep I’m going there, though even I think it’s becoming a pretty trite comfort to the single ladies. Anyway, the book states that we (as singles) have so much more time to serve than our married friends. I kind of grazed over this because really I’ve read so many articles and heard so many speakers say the exact same thing over the years… and while I mostly agree, I am getting a bit tired of people who talk about single people as if they have a fatal disease and need to be comforted. Anyway, I've talked about the Children's Shelter in previous blogs and how I have wanted to get involved. Well I finally have. Yesterday was my second day t o volunteer but my first day to hang out with the kids. It was such a blessing. I got to feed a baby for the first part which may have been a bad idea because I suffer from acute baby fever, and she was such a sweet baby. For the rest of the time I got to hang out with the 4-6 year old girls. I really didn't do much... I watched a movie with them. But the welcome they gave me was adorable. There's nothing more welcoming then ten tiny girls jumping around you trying to be the  one to hold your hand and telling you how pretty you are. The thing that I learned though was that these little girls were so resilient. Some of them probably came from terrible situations but they were able to laugh and be joyful. 

So yes, life gets me down these days. But I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there are things to be happy about even if it isn't the things you thought they would be. I may never be a mom... the thought makes me sad but I will always have the opportunity to serve others. I can work to make other people's children's lives better. I really do love my independence, and I don't know how I would get used to being with someone at this point since I'm so set in my ways... I sometimes wonder if I have just become to good at being on my own. I don't "need" anyone I just kind of want someone I guess. The thing is... I don't know what the plan is for my life... But whatever it is I'll probably learn to be ok with it and learn to make the most of it. I might even like how my life turns out.

Part of the Process

     Last night I had a dream that was half wonderful but in my waking hours it was half terrible. I dreamed that it was my wedding day and it was beautiful. I was getting married outside on a beautiful sunny day at my childhood church. There were rows and rows of chairs and none of them were empty. I was happy, very happy and I was searching the crowd. Then finally I found who I was looking for. My dad stood before me in his green button up shirt that was always a favorite of mine. He took my hand and we walked down the aisle. I never saw my groom. I never saw my dress. I just saw my dad and in my dream I was happy. I woke from that dream with a heavy heart because that dream will never be a reality. 
     A year ago today my Dad was diagnosed with the cancer that would take his life. I remember I had just  come home from a summer at working at camp. It had been a challenging summer for me. Not just at camp but in life in general. There were so many changes in my life and decisions I had to make that I didn't feel ready for. I felt completely lost. And then I got the news of my Dad's diagnoses. I remember taking it in and feeling immediate fear, which soon turned into a calm because I had heard many many diagnoses that concerned my dad throughout the years. He had suffered from several cancers among other things and he had always prevailed. A year ago today I didn't realize how serious it would be. The worst thing you can do at a time like this is use google. I did and it scared me, but I still had hope. Looking back I think I knew that this was going to be it. That this would be the last diagnoses I would ever be told concerning my dad. 
     I feel like I have aged far more than a year since then. I stayed at home for the first month trying to decide what to do. I ultimately went back to my safe haven of camp because I knew I could go home when I needed to and my dad wanted me to continue on with my life.  There are so many quiet moments where I wonder if I made the wrong choice in not staying with my dad during those months. I honestly don't know what more I could have done but I just wish I would have savored the moments I had with him. I wrote my dad a letter soon after I went back to Austin and I asked him to fight. But four months later when I watched him suffer so intensely I wished that I had never asked so much from him. A year ago today I began to grow up. A year ago today the longest and shortest 4 months began. There were several rushes home during those months. One trip of 24 hours in two days to a hospital in  Shreveport after a frightening call from home.  The last month of my dad's life I was there and I watched him decline to the point where he no longer knew me, saw me as a threat and even swung his fists when I tried to help him. I could almost carry my own father before it was over. Those were the darkest of days.
     It's strange to think now about a year ago I didn't care to have a wedding or make a big deal out of graduation or whatever. I didn't need my dad to walk me down the aisle, I would just elope if I ever got married. But today I wish more than anything that when I graduate from college I could take the traditional parents flanking the grad photo. I wish that I had my dad to walk me down the aisle in a modest outdoor wedding. I wish He could meet my kids. I wish I would have tried harder  to speak louder so my dad could hear me. To have not have ever gotten aggravated with the way he chewed or the way he would leave the blinker going after he had made his turn. I wish I would have appreciated him more and let him kiss me on the cheek even when he had scratchy whiskers. I wish I would appreciated and told him thank you for how much he had overcome with his Bipolar condition and didn't just always think of all the challenges his condition brought. I wish I had him back.
     After my dad's death I went back to work. And I thought maybe I will just heal quietly and not cause problems. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was looking for safety for security because all of that was torn from me. I was hoping for a white knight. I thought I found something or someone who could help the hurt stop but I only defrauded myself and ended up hurting more. Everyone understood. But people can understand only as long as they think they can help. I didn't know how to help myself so I had no idea how someone else could help me. Everyone understands until they don't. I would have given anything if someone could fix me but no one can. I still don't quite know what I can do to hurt less. All I know is I have to continue to live my life. I have questioned everything in the past few months. My faith, my relationships, my morals. I have been so lonely at times and so very frightened. But I am told that this is all just part of the process.
     Now I don't want this to be a huge downer. I needed to type this all out because I don't allow myself to hurt enough or think through it all enough. Some blessings that have come out of all the pain are as follows. My family has become a much tighter core in my life. We check up on each other, we care for each other. I have watched my brother's take care of my mom and their families, even start new families. I couldn't be prouder of them. My sister is healing from so many hurts and God has sent her so many comforts. Maybe even a white knight? :) Even though we lost our dad God has reminded us that he has promised new life and I will get to welcome a new nephew or niece in February. I have become so much stronger. I have learned not to take my family for granted and I'm finally doing things that I have always wanted. One thing my Dad said before he passed was to a missionary friend of our families. He said that his daughter Kaytha (ME!) was a missionary too. He said this with so much pride that I have carried those words in my heart for the past year. My dad loved me, he was proud of me and I value those things more than any perfect childhood or being the daddies girl that I wasn't. I learned that though I questioned everything I had nothing if I didn't have my faith. Through my loneliness I am learning that Christ will never abandon me. Though I fear the times that I will lose others that I love I now know that I will survive. Time marches on, and I have been given a chance to treasure the ones I love. A year ago today I could have given up but by God's grace I am still standing.     

Think Good Thoughts

     In past posts I've written a lot about the trials of this year and also about all the good and beautiful things God has been showing me this year. Honestly I am so very grateful for the life that I have been given, the good things that have kept me going, and just the silly optimism that overtakes me even in my saddest moments. God has been so faithful. This weekend has been a tremendous blessing.

     This is my cousin and very first best friend Lauren. We grew up together and have a long standing joke of how our grandmother dressed us like twins for most of our growing up years. The funniest part is now we always realize that we dress very similarly without even trying. (Observe the photo!)  She recently has gotten married and now has a little boy, who is so darling :) She has left me to fend for myself alone on the battlefield of love but I guess I'm pretty happy for her anyway. Anyway her husband recently joined the Air force. We had both moved to SA at around the same time and are actually neighbors. However we knew that Lauren would probably be moving in the next couple of months with her husband to wherever he would be stationed... But luck would have it that Phillip has been stationed in San Antonio for the next couple of years! So our little family club continues and I won't have to give up my twin.

     That is just one of the blessings of my weekend. Yesterday I got to celebrate with a great group of girls for my friend Jess' upcoming marriage! I'm definitely at the age where most of my Gal Pals are becoming MRS.' or MOMS! But celebrating with Jess has made me so happy. She is such a blessing in my life and a true example of a Godly lady... and her fiance isn't that shabby of a Godly example either. She is like my example of hope in a lot of ways. Her patience and faith have really paid off. Yesterday was just a grand day of enjoying friendships and investing in one another.

   
     And to cap off a great weekend my dear friend Lizzy came to stay with me! We had great plans of going out on the town and being young and free but we ended up staying in and just enjoying good food and each others company. She set me straight on a lot and we just were able to talk about so much. She helps me find my footing. 






 I have just had so many blessings. I have wonderful friends. Some that I don't get to see as much as others. But one thing I have realized about myself is that I prefer deep one on one relationships to a plethora of acquaintances.  

 

     And these are just a few of the ladies that have blessed my life beyond compare. I love what they teach me. Sometimes I hate what they teach me but just the fact that we make a difference in each others life is a big deal.

So really I've had so many good things in life. Hard stuff too for sure. This year (as I've said many times before) has been extremely tough. The big thing is that it seems that every time I see the joy in a situation or have just a boost of hope, that seems to be the time that I get hit by hard things. Things that make me sad, discouraged, hurt. (Finances, waiting, decisions, guy disappointments, hurt friends, misunderstandings, family, loss)  These things all steal my happy heart. Happy hearts are hard to come by I've realized and I like to try and supply them when I can. So really I guess this post is a thank you to all of you who remind me of my happy heart. Just thinking of the good things in life helps the face extensively :) And then in the bad times you are just that much more grateful for the things that helped instead of hurt.

    

Pro-Life

   I'm not going to continue with what I was talking about in my last blog. It was pretty much a ramble about my life anyway :) I've been reading this book that a friend of mine has been telling me to read for years. It's called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" By Brennan Manning and it is phenomenal! It has made me think so much.

     The premise to it is basically about how we are prone to not truly accept God's love and forgiveness. That's something I have struggled with for years. I tend to think that yes God is faithful and loving... But I don't deserve it. How incredibly silly of me to think that an all powerful God could be limited by something as trivial as my worthiness. God loves and forgives me because that is His very nature and He cannot be untrue to who He is. It is not because I deserve it. It won't change because I don't deserve it. It is how it is because of who He is.

     That isn't even the point of this blog. I've talked so much in these blogs about my relationships and how I view relationships in general and this book has made me think. It has even convicted me of so much where relationships are concerned. One thing that really got me was this quote...

      "We are not pro-life simply because we are warding off death. We are pro-life to the extent that we are men and women for others, all others; to the extent that no human flesh is a stranger to us; to the extent that we can touch the hand of another in love; to the extent that to us there are no others." 

     I am most definitely pro-life. I know and love children who could have been disposed of because they were unplanned. I cherish these children and can't imagine a life without them. The way I believe in this aspect affects a lot of my political choices and day to day choices. A big part of what I want to do is give children like this a chance at life. But something I haven't really thought a lot about is how "Pro-life" I am with all people in general. Do I love people truly? Do I weep when anyone is lost? Do I feel anything at all for human kind? Yes I desire to help those I know. I desire to help people that can't help themselves…but what about the people who can help themselves? What about the people who I don't understand as well. Do I even pursue a relationship with them? 

     Awhile back when Osama Bin Laden was killed and the nation was rejoicing I found myself torn. Yes I was happy that the world was rid of this terrible man's deeds. But a part of me hurt that we rejoiced... This man's soul was lost forever. My Jesus loved Him just as much as He loves me and had offered to give Him abundant life just as I have been offered. How could I rejoice when my Jesus was weeping over a lost soul? His desire was that NO ONE should perish but have everlasting life in Him.

        And not even that extreme... I tend to make snap judgments of people. I decide if people are innately good or evil just in how they look at me once. I choose whether to love someone just by how they make me feel at the time. My love is so impure and conditional and no way close to how Jesus loves.

      "Authentic faith leads us to treat others with unconditional seriousness and to a loving reverence for the mystery of the human personality."

     We are all the same but at the same time all different. We all are at the same level. We are sinners who have been offered the same pardon. But we all deal with things differently. We react differently. No one is better or worse because of their personality or their way of dealing… so maybe if we spent a little more time really listening and understanding we would be able to have meaningful relationships with people that are different than us.

     That’s another thing I’ve realized… I’m pretty bad at relationships in general. I’m becoming a bad listener these days because my own mind is too busy. I don’t listen well even to the people that I care about the most. I talk a lot I just don’t listen. Listening is probably a key part about caring about people, just a guess.

     The point of this blog has been and continues to be a way for me to process. I think so very much and this has proved to be an excellent way for me to organize my thoughts. I have shared a lot about me and just the way I am viewing life these days. I am so confused on so many points yet so enlightened on others. I’m learning how to treat people and learning better ways to react to how I am treated. I guess I am just seeking better understanding and patience. I am seeking to be a better listener. I am not seeking to be perfect… I know that Christ is the only one who can accomplish that and in Him I am already seen that way. Not that I just go out and do what I want but, out of my love for Him, I seek His will. I hope these posts are somehow beneficial to you as well J Until next time.

                     All Quotes use in this Blog are from The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning.

Be Blessed

     I have had an intense craving for blogging for the past couple of weeks. My new journey has filled me with so much to write about. Some sad disappointments but most happy revelations! Since the last post I have made my own home here in this bustling city. Tons of people have asked me aren't you scared out of your mind? And the answer is no. I haven't really experienced much fear. I'm just so enjoying living the way that I was designed. I am a very neat organized person and my home reflects that (Though my mind doesn't always). I was recently told that my small apartment should be on Pinterest. I haven't decided if I'm happy or sad about that... (Mostly happy I think!) I live in quite the little routine and I am enjoying it immensely. 


     My job has treated me well... it has had a few very disappointing surprises though. The areas I love to work the most have few and far between hours. So I'm adjusting but hoping to learn to love the other aspects of the job as well. One of my favorite areas to work in is our weekly kids night. It's a time to do crafts with the kids and just talk to them. I had a very intense conversation with a group of kids (all under ten) About our favorite comic book characters. And yes I was ridiculed because mine is Captain America. But honestly I didn't know that EVERYONE'S favorite was the Captain! But kid's night reconfirms my desire to work with kids I think.


     Last time I talked about the Children's Shelter I was excited about volunteering at. Well that application process is going pretty slow because it asks for a lot of information. But it is definitely still in the works. I even saw where you could apply to work full time with them and you don't even have to be married! (Score!) But I want to volunteer quite a bit first to get a feel for how well I could do that job. So hopefully I can get that together by August at the latest.


    I am still searching for a church family which is proving to be extremely difficult. I want a very specific environment and it is proving to be hard to find. I go to one Bible study regularly and that has proved to be a blessing. But I am trying to branch out and give other places a shot.


     I am basically content. I have had disappointments. I have struggled with different things and I still struggle daily. I'm trying new things. I'm finally at a place where I feel happy with myself. Happy might not be a good word... I am joyful... Even when circumstances sadden me, I can still have joy.


     I Hang out with a very interesting crowd here. And not surprisingly I am the only single one in the group! I just realized yesterday that all my friends here are married, married with kids, or engaged. How I ended up in this group I have no clue. (Well most of them are family and old friends but still!) But the funniest part is I haven't really noticed it! I just realized yesterday actually how out of place I am. But you know I've realized that I am super content to be without an other half. In fact I have wrestled with the thoughts that I don't really want to meet anyone at this point. I'm not fond of the disappointment that it usually brings. So I'm happy with my "Perpetual singleness" actually. Now yes I do wish I had someone to take care of me sometimes but mainly in that situation I wish I had my dad back. But you know even in that my family has really stepped up for me lately. There's so much to be grateful for and I'm realizing that I see those things more here recently than I dwell on my disappointment. I still have my days but God has been faithful to remind me of His faithfulness a lot. 


     I have to go to work so this may be continued later. Or I may just leave it as is. Any grammatical errors will be fixed later! :) Or not depending on how I feel. Be blessed. It's just as much your choice as anyone else! 

I'm So Excited!

     Things are starting to get good here in SA. I've been working for the past two weeks now. It's been tough learning the ropes and figuring out what's expected of me but I also just feel really blessed to be here. I've been visiting different churches. I haven't found the church yet, but all things take time. I move into my very own home on Saturday! I never thought I would live in a place where everything I could ever need is on the same street as my house. I'm definitely used to being a country lady but I like trying new things. I just feel overly blessed at this point in my life. It's been an increasingly hard year for me and, though I still struggle so much, I just feel like God is allowing me to see the light in the darkness.
     
     The other day I was visiting a very dear friend back in the Austin area. One thing very special about this friend is when she asks me "how I'm doing" she always asks me twice... This is needed for me because I (like a lot of other people) always automatically answer "Good!" Well it has been her tradition to ask me and then ask me again. When she asks me the second time I always realize what a liar I am. For the past several months I have not been good. I have not been good at all. I've been grieving and dealing with the changes in my life and in me (That I wasn't so sure I liked at all). But what is special about this time is when she asked me twice I realized that I really am doing well! I am dealing. And that is something that does not come naturally to me. I believe in being "strong" and in the past that has meant pushing everything that hurt away. I don't know if I'm entirely cured but I'm seeing the small steps I've taking. I'm happy... and not all the time. I still get sad. In fact today was actually one of my sad days. I got discouraged and really missed my dad. Father's day is coming up and I don't quite know what to do with that yet. But I am seeing the happy in things more often now than the sad. I am joyful I guess you could say, because only God can provide that and what I have surely doesn't come from anything I can conjure.
     
     One thing that has really made me happy recently is that I am seeing doors open. I've always had all these great longings to do more and to serve in specific ways. But I have always thought "well maybe when I finish school"... or "maybe after I gain some more life experience." But doors are opening and I am so eager to jump through them! I have talked about working with kids who are in need since high school. I have talked about working within children's shelters, schools or maybe even an adoption agency. Just somewhere that can give these kids a different life, and most importantly a more abundant life! Well I just picked up my first volunteer application for a children's shelter here in SA and I couldn't be more excited to finally be putting some actions with my words. It also helps to know that my Dad would be proud of me. He always believed in the importance of missionaries at home. This could be exactly what God has planned for my life or it will be how God will show me other things... but it's a step... and let me tell you, I was getting so very tired of just standing still. (Sadly the door almost closed because the receptionist at the children's shelter was convinced that I couldn't be older than eighteen... which is the required age! Someday my eternal youth will be a blessing) Laughter :)
     
     I'm just in a state of contentment right now at how things are panning out. Do I still get flustered at times? Definitely... I am still human. But just knowing that whatever I am feeling in the moment will pass and I will smile again, that is the biggest blessing. I think maybe that has a lot to do with what contentment looks like. (Possibly?) Anyway I guess the thing that has me most excited is that I am taking action. Action and words, though only one truly speaks the other is the only one truly heard. I don't really want myself to be heard (I don't have much to say worth hearing) but I want God to be heard through me. It is encouraging to me that, even though I am extremely flawed, God does these little things to remind me that He is not done with me yet.


                                              The reason I want to give kid's a better life stems
                                                       From these kids right here. They are teaching me patience. 
                                                      But I love them more than anything. My nieces and nephews.

 

Complicating Simplicity

     Today I have been thinking a lot about how complicated we make life. In the past couple of years I have wondered why there are just some things that confuse me to no end and just seem impossible to figure out. I cannot stand the common way of doing things. The way that people never say what they mean or do what they actually want to do drives me insane. And yes I am also guilty of this terrible way of life. I keep things locked away when it would be better if they were spoken and I don't act on things I know I want... just because I lack the confidence to do so. 


     But in thinking all these things I think of times when I did act and was honest and I was utterly and thoroughly rejected. I just can't figure out which is worse. Wishing I would have or wishing that I never wanted to because it just didn't work out. The world is full of crushed hopes and dreams that were never meant to be. How do we cope with such heartache? For it is heartache when you think of what could have been. For me there is nothing worse than caring for something or someone more than I am cared for in return. All those invested emotions just seem to be trampled on just by the lack of acknowledgement that they exist. I hate the feeling of wanting to work on something that amounts to nothing or a relationship that is not equally invested on from the other side. Each time this happens it feels like a piece of my heart is taken from me.


     As I have written before my life is no where near what I expected it to be. I long to finish college. I long to start a family. I just long for things to be simpler honestly. I was watching some old TV shows earlier tonight and the family life portrayed in these shows were just so simple. Relationships presented mild challenges but always in the end the characters said exactly what they wanted to say and they were rewarded with mutual feelings in the end. What I would give for that type of simplicity. That any conflict or speed bump in life could be easily smoothed over by mutual affection and understanding by all parties involved. It sounds life a fairy tale and in fact it probably is.


     No we don't live in a world where life is that simple. Try as we might we will not always maintain or gain the relationships we hope for. We won't always speak plainly or act when we should. We are flawed and it's time we admitted it. Oh yes we should strive to imitate Christ but that should be out of the overflow of our hearts and not out of the skills in acting we may possess. But you see there is one very important lesson I learned earlier this week about this and I've been meaning to share it. Let me draw from some wisdom entirely not my own...


      Philippians 4:11-13... "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in ANY and EVERY situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me."


     Now I am sure that most people weren't as silly as me when they studied this passage of scripture but I tended to break it into pieces. I would always read the part about being content and I would love the idea. I would think If I could just simplify I could become content. if I could just do this or that I would learn how to be content. If I would just stop wanting I would be content. I would always wonder what the secret was. (I know completely dumb!) Then I would give up on that and continue reading and I would read How I can do all things through Christ. Well that is an amazing verse of encouragement! The problem was... I heard it so much it had lost it's meaning to me. It had become trite. It was did not evoke emotion in me as it should. Here's the thing I just realized... These verses go hand in hand. Yes I can be content but only because Christ gives me the strength to do so. I who loves the idea of simplicity and seeing things for what they are and not what they are dressed up to be. I had complicated one of the simplest truths in the scripture. I can do all things through Christ who give me the strength to do so. Even be content with not being able to control my life. Even be content in not knowing how to simplify. Contentment, like simplicity, is not something you work on... It's something you allow. 


     Yes we have complicated everything in life. We say and do things we don't mean or believe. We strive to be content. But what we miss is that striving and contentment cannot even be in the same room together. In order to truly simplify we must relinquish the control we don't actually have. To do everything through Christ who gives us strength is not to go and fight the battle of discontent and strive for perfection. It is to allow God's strength to permeate through us and replace a heavy heart with a heart of peace. God provides the strength to overcome one of our biggest obstacles in our path to contentment and that is ourselves. Everything that I "lack" will diminish in appearance if I allow my focus to disengage from myself and focus on the purpose that God gives me strength to accomplish.

The word is VALUE. Do you have any?

     On to something new I say! I am packing up and leaving in the morning for my newest adventure. I really enjoy adventure and I tend to have my share of them. I have moved many many times in the past few years and have not stayed anywhere for longer than ten months at a time! I am something of a gypsy and I get antsy when I sit still. My newest adventure is a little bit intimidating because for once I am not going into it thinking of when I will leave it for the next one. It is very stable, and honestly I'm not used to stable. I'm used to doing things that are not meant to be forever things. Though I doubt I will do this new thing forever  I feel like I will be in this new place for awhile. (In fact my address will even be changed on my license. That is quite serious for me!) But this is not meant to be a rant about new beginnings... It is meant to be a rant about people and relationships. 


     In going into this new life I am very excited but at the same time I have a very empty feeling within me. I have lost so many people in the past year. Whether it be truly losing them or just losing touch with them. I get quite attached to people and I tend to care deeply. I sometimes regret these character traits of mine because I have felt so very empty over this past year saying goodbye to one after the other. Honestly it makes me a bit cynical toward allowing new people to obtain my affections.  The effort all these relationships have taken out of me has brought me a great deal of pain and maybe even a little bitterness.


     Today I was having lunch with a dear old friend and we were actually discussing all these things. We are rather similar which may be why we have remained such good friends for so long. We value our family and friends highly above most other things. In my mind this seems like a good thing... but why does it seem like in this age we are really supposed to be seeking out our best interests rather than building lasting relationships? Why does it seem that tasks and position are valued over people?


     I've been thinking about this a lot lately and one thing I've thought about are woman in society today... What comes to mind when you think of an accomplished woman? In my mind I see a woman who knows how to care about others. A woman who has an elegant confidence and is conscious  of how she effects others . The women we value these days however are the take charge types. The media is full of woman who use their sexuality and ruthlessness to obtain whatever they want. We praise these woman. We lift them up as the model for what a woman should be. Men are presented in the media as either selfish and irresponsible or as controlled by the women in their lives. I think of these things and I can't help but think of my nieces and nephew and how these are the figures that will influence them. It just makes me sad. 


     We allow ourselves to be consumed with self. We allow ourselves to be petty about things that honestly don't matter. We mistreat others and praise ourselves. We seek favor with others so that we may get ahead. And this a description of Christians...these traits don't look a thing like Christ. 


     I know this has been quite a ramble but I suppose my main point is that the art of valuing others has been almost lost. We no longer respect the person. We respect the position. We no longer seek to be ladies. We seek to be antagonist, to prey on others. We no longer allow our men to be leaders. We belittle them. We no longer think of the example we are setting... but the next generation will learn from us. Friendships are more for elevation rather than for mutual encouragement. The art of respect and kindness could greatly help our current situation. 


     I'm really excited about my new beginning even though I have been made sad. But to allow myself to be bitter and shut others out is my choice. It is not something I can be made into. I cannot blame a bad friendship for making me a bad friend. I cannot blame a man for not being a gentleman if I have not been a lady. I cannot blame the next generation if I have taught them nothing of value. I cannot demand respect if I am not respectful. I cannot follow Christ without imitating His steps. I am called to value others above myself and that mean to care deeply even when it seems others do not. I may not be able to change the world in doing this but I cannot allow the world to change me.

Gandhi once said...

      I think I have mentioned before that I am rather terrible at expressing myself. I always tend to say things in a way that I don't mean them! Like today I was talking to my brother and his girl about religion, books and all of the other random things we talk about. The last thing I want to do is discourage my family from church, but I have found in the past couple of years I have been a little discouraged when it come to "religious" people. I have mentioned before my issues with having an open mind when it comes to "closed minded" people (I know irony). The thing is I have a passion against the religious mindset. The mindset that there is a set of rules that must be followed. Or that there is a specific denomination that knows the way to heaven or whatever else the religious set is convinced of. Gosh even now I feel like I'm saying the wrong things. Bare with me and I will try and explain.


     I most definitely seek to be a Christian. I believe the gospel. Jesus came to save us from our sins. (That being the gospel in a nutshell). But here's what I think we miss. Jesus didn't just do us this great favor of opening the gate to heaven and if we try hard enough we will get there... Here's the way I see it. From the beginning God created us to have a RELATIONSHIP with him. In the beginning Adam and Eve walked and talked with God. Now no surprise we ended up getting distracted by discontent and separated ourselves from God. However, the whole old testament shows God not only as a god of judgment and wrath but as a God of pursuit. But what about all the things that we read of and think "now why would God allow that to happen" or "yeesh that seems a little harsh"? Well I don't claim to know. God explains that He is a god of justice and I just have to believe that. But in so much of it, even the really terrible things, I see that it was all in pursuit of us. It was a pursuit of the relationship that we turned away from in the beginning. So God gently and not so gently sought to show his people that he is God and that he is to be worshiped above all else. We still turn away and we ignore him. So He seeks to remind His people of who he is and he gives them the law... Well they start to do ok with this instruction manual they have been given. The problem is we now depend on our own obedience of the law to ensure our salvation. Well we get to Jesus  and He has come to fulfill the law so that we can gratefully realize that all God want's (and has ever wanted) is a relationship with his creation. Relationship as it should be full of the things of God (Love, Joy, Patience, Gentleness, Meekness, Self-Control...) Well we have been doing this law stuff for a LONG time and we are pretty used to it. So we don't want to give it up... So in essence we are still trying to please God by doing things that are no longer necessarily because they have been fulfilled by Jesus. So now all our works are void. This is where we stopped I think. Jesus spent a lot of time teaching against religion. That's why the religious leaders hated him. He was saying that all of there efforts were now worthless. They hated that because if all you needed was a relationship with God then that meant that they were on the same level as everyone else. How can you judge if you are the same as everyone? 


     In saying all that I guess the point I am trying to get at is that we are in a never ending cycle. Either we are at the point of being discontent and seeking other god's... or we are so caught up in what we can and can't do. Religion is this to me... It is a state of seeking to be good enough. To pursue "perfection". Now religious people may be some of the most moral people that you may know... There's nothing wrong with having morals. The problem is when we focus so hard on the rules we miss out on the relationship. Jesus told us to "come follow me". And we teach that in our churches. Then we come up with all these formula bible studies to attempt to "look like Jesus". What we miss is what Jesus looked like. Jesus hung out with the down and out. He was so outside the norm of his time. People didn't always think highly of him... a lot of people thought he was a drunk or crazy. He didn't fit in. He didn't pay attention to all the religious practices. People came first to him no matter where they were at (in church or not) Jesus never would turn someone away because of their appearance or previous choices. He did not snub others because they didn't follow the same rules as him.


     Gandhi once said "I love your Christ but I hate your Christians". Some people will be really upset that I quoted a man such as Gandhi because that is taboo in being a religious christian.  So they will probably ignore how very sad that statement is. Christian means little Christ... If this man can honestly say that He loved Christ but not the people that are supposed to be representing Christ we should be asking where we are going wrong! I have watched too many religious christian's drive people away from Christ because they didn't fit the mold religion has created. This is unacceptable. 


     So maybe we should re-examine our goals. If we are focused on effort rather than seeking  then something is wrong. If we are giving up on people because we think they could never "change their ways" then something is wrong. If we are more focused on our appearance than Christ's appearance then something is wrong. Everyone's relationship with Christ is their own. It is between them and God. We have no room to judge what God may be speaking in their lives. I am not even allowed to judge "closed minded" people. That is not my place. My place is allowing Christ to cultivate a relationship with me. He will teach me in ways that others may not understand. My place is also to love others because I am seeking to be like Christ and He IS love.


     I hope some of that made sense and you got what I was trying to convey. I struggle with anger against religious christianity because I have seen it hurt so many people I love. God will heal my heart from this and I will learn to love them as Christ does. However, I stand firm in my conviction that we are meant to be Christ followers and not rule followers. I will study the life of Christ and who He is not someone else's idea of what a christian should be.

Counted

        I've been in kind of a funk for the past week or so. I'm not really sure why. I've been missing people and just antsy. I'm no good at letting go of things. I get so very attached to people and places. I'm also no good at unemployment. Being in between jobs has been driving me crazy. I'm used to doing not waiting. So to help me out with this funk I've decided to think of all the things I'm happy to have.


     I've been incredibly blessed in my life and I sometimes do a good job at forgetting that. My family is something I am so very grateful for. We are sometimes an odd bunch. Like me my family doesn't always talk about things. We tend to work through things in our own way. But we are really good at being a family. We don't really fight ever. Probably because we are mostly pretty passive but it works for us. We just work and that is something I love. We have these kind of unspoken family traditions...

My oldest brother brings us food :) You can see why he is dear to my heart. He hunts and fishes and feeds us so it all works out for us. Usually when he feeds us we get the stories and I really like listening to the stories. We also spend a lot of evenings with his family watching his son play whatever sport is in season. That's our tradition with my oldest brother.

My oldest sister and I just so happen to be a lot like our mother. So a lot like each other too. We tend to spend quiet evenings reading or taking pictures (sharing pictures). We like doing crafty things. We like to eat! (And they are good cooks) We watch old movies and talk. But my favorite thing that we do is just being able to sit around quietly. We don't have to talk constantly which is nice.

These two jokers are my other brothers. Our tradition is a lot more grounded. We watch movies. I never actually pick... well I kind of do because I know their tastes so well. Every time I come home we go watch the newest Tim Burton or Martin Scorsese. This year we have added two new members to our little movie club, their girlfriends. I am now a fifth wheel but also a founder of the club so I feel good about the changes :) Plus no one could really love and talk about these movies with my brothers like I can!

 My last sister is probably the most animated out of all of us. She has always had this crazy sparkle about her. Our traditions are watching her kids while talking about plans that are just crazy enough to maybe happen and we talk about guys :) Well she talks about guys and I listen since I usually have nothing to share. It's her sparkle factor!










That's my family and that's just one of the things that make me happy. My nephews and nieces and extended family are included in that! I love spending time at my grandma's house. We get together several times a year. It's my mom's side and she comes from a farely large family. Get togethers are spent eating good food and just sitting around talking about life. This is something I love.


I love my hobbies. I'm not exactly obsessed with anything in particular. I tend to go from one thing to the next. I like to paint, sew, write, read, do outdoorsy stuff, photography, dancing... I like a lot of things. 


I love simple things. I love the smell before it rains, fresh cut grass, the sweetness of spring and the crispness of fall. I love sunsets, sunrises, thunderstorms and rainy days. I like to ride with the windows down and the radio on while driving down familiar dirt roads. I like the beach and attempting to body board. I love that I grew up by a lake. I love the country and I love some cities. 


I can think of so many things that make me happy and I could go on and on. I haven't even talked about friendships and ministry. I realize that this blog post is entirely selfish. But sometimes I just need a boost and I realize that other people do too. I hope if nothing else this has reminded you to count your blessings. 

   

                           

Crowded Wagons

     There seems to be a lot of messages and causes in our world these days. Every time I get on my Facebook page or any form of media, for that matter, I am bombarded by things I should care about... I'm afraid I've never been much of a joiner and though I see all of these noble causes that I should really get involved with it just hasn't been for me. I've gone through phases of remembering to write love on my arms on the correct day or wearing different bracelets or t-shirts but nothing seems to stick with me. It's not because I don't care. I do, but I have this terrible terrible tendency to NOT want to jump on the band wagon. I'm just not a fan of crowded wagons...


     Here's something I've been thinking about for the last few hours... but first it all started when I watched this video (Which I had been avoiding because it is all over Facebook and it looked band wagon-y) 

     So I hope you watched it because it is beyond inspiring! The kind of love that must take on both of their parts. For her to care for him and take his disabilities as her own, to give up young dreams... and for him to nourish her spiritually even when it must be so hard for him to know that he can't take care of her in physical ways... that is love and it is inspiring.

     I've been thinking about them since I watched this video and I put myself in their shoes... Could I do that? I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle that as well as they have. I'm afraid I would be to selfish. But through their suffering they are bringing glory to God. That is their cause. It's not about their hardships. It's not about creating awareness for their hardships. It is about seeing God in it all. Amazing amazing people. They are not my cause, though I find their story to be so encouraging and worthy of support. My cause is a lot like theirs. It's exactly like theirs in fact. My cause is Christ and bringing him glory. To bring Him glory in my happy moments, in my hardships, in times that I don't understand. 

     I went on a blog tangent after seeing this video and reading some of their blog posts. I read a friends blog where she talked about her desire for a renewed passion for Christ. And I realized I wanted that too. I feel like I'm slipping so often. I'm not where I was and I can't figure out if that's good or bad. I miss my naive self. I miss the me that was so very happy and hopeful. I miss my lofty ideas. I miss the way I knew what was right without question. Life has changed and it has changed me. My OCD nature sees this as a failure. My new sense of accepting myself sees this as growth, as a chance for God to work in me. So in realizing that I wanted a renewed passion and that I am exactly where God wants me to be personally, I came to the conclusion (and so did my friend in her blog) that I will not be able to renew my passion for Christ by shear effort. God is the one who creates the passion. He created the desire in my heart for that passion... for Him. Yes I should probably spend more time seeking him and less time seeking others approval or recognition. I should spend more time seeking Him than my dreams for the future. I should just spend more time seeking Him.

     Possible reasons why I don't seek him??? 

Maybe I'm scared He will hurt me?

     Yep that sounds super weird and I'm almost sad that I typed it, but carry on I must. I'm afraid that He will do what I ask him (See "And I am Glad"). I'm scared that He won't do what I ask. I'm scared of what He will ask of me. I'm scared He will ask me to do it alone. I'm scared that any of this could make me bitter. I really want to love God, but I'm scared that I won't be any good at it.

If I seek Him I can't seek other things?

     Once again weird. I want so so many things that I'm afraid that He won't let me pursue. Or that He won't let pursue me.... So if I just don't get His opinion I can feign innocence right? 

I have already failed?

     I am convinced I am OCD because I can't get past the whole "Kaytha is a screw up" thing. Somehow I get it in my mind that I am so "powerful" that my actions can't be overcome by a truly all powerful God. Who, by the way, created this "screw up".

     Those are just a few of the things that have been or are issues for me. There's a simple fix to all of these issues... They are all birthed from being afraid... but "God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and self discipline" - 2 Timothy 1:7 And that is just one of the verses where God assures us that it is not out of our power but His.

     In all of this thought processing I thought about all of the woman I've always admired.

Mother Teresa. I don't think I really have to say why I admire her. She once said "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." In her life she did great things, but she did this by doing small things with great love.

Audrey Hepburn. I don't really know if this classy lady had a passion for Christ. I hope she did. She once said "For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."   She had some hard knocks but in her later life she did some amazing things for children in need.

                         Amy Carmichael. “You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.” 

“It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires which He creates"

An amazing woman who served, so faithfully, (by herself!) children in India.

 My Mom! She has always been the perfect example of what a wife and mother should be. Through my Dad's illness she always said "We will not feel sorry for ourselves. No matter how badly we are hurting there is someone else out there who is hurting more than us."

     Strong independent woman who loved more than they were loved, gave more than they were given, and trusted in something outside of themselves for their strength (My mom still does all these things) You can see why they are worthy of admiration. I suppose through all of these thoughts God is teaching me that my cause is for Him first, then to love and serve others. My cause is to be kind and compassionate. My cause is to see the good in others that is not easily seen. My cause is to be like Him. 

     Though I wish I had the focus and the passion to jump on worthy band wagons, I now see that the only cause worth pursuing is the cause of Christ. He creates my passion, He created the things that I pursue. He created my personality and He has a purpose that I alone can serve. More promises that fulfill me, renew my passion and give me a sense of hope. :)

Thanks to Bob and Adele

     I want to start out today by explaining "Que Sera Sera" and it's importance to me. Simply put it is a song my Mom always sings to me anytime I'm worried about something or being difficult about things. It's terribly cliche because in the song itself it talks about a mother singing it to her daughter but I absolutely love it because it reminds me of my Mom.

     Que Sera Sera's literal meaning is "Whatever will be will be". I definitely Googled it and Wikipedia tells me (for whatever that is worth) that it is derived from Spanish words used in English Syntax. So it is basically a hybrid phrase that wouldn't hold up anywhere.The point of opening this blog like this is because I want to talk a little bit about some thoughts and they just so happen to tie into the phrase. 

     I am ridiculously passive. I hate confrontation. I hate being angry. I laugh with just about every emotion because I am no good at handling any emotion but happy. Some of my most hated memories are times I've cried in front of people or have gotten angry in front of them. I tend to lean toward a hippy mentality in a way and sometimes I blame it on the "Que Sera Sera" mentality that has been driven into me since birth. My tendency is to look at confrontation as something that can be avoided after a thorough investigation of what I might need to change in my own attitude. Now that might sound noble or whatever, but I'm starting to see it as an excuse because I am afraid of confrontation in itself. As I said before I'm the youngest of six so I'm definitely not used to winning! So really my point is that I have discovered that I would much rather love people despite their faults, see their strengths and just be open minded. I love the idea of open mindedness. Whether that is actually possible I do not know because my tendency is to be open minded towards everyone but closed minded people... I have a hard time with them. So the closed minded circle is completed by me ironically!

     So here's the thing, that all sounds just peachy. Way to go Kaytha you have found the meaning of life with your long flowy hair and love for herbal tea! (I really do like herbal tea A LOT!) Now really let's get to the heart of the issue... while these ideas are very fine and dandy, and yes they will probably always hold weight with me, here's something I've realized. If something makes me truly angry that's when I know I care about it the most. Gasp! Wait that seems completely against my ideals right? Well yes and no. In the past 3 years I have seen a major change in me.

     When I first started working for the ministry I mentioned before, I was ridiculously chill. Not much really made me angry. I liked people there. I had just come from a place of people I thought to be narrow minded (and maybe they were... I don't really care that much now) so this new place was like heaven. My co-workers used to ask what would make me angry and they would actually try to be the one to make me angry. Well in the following 3 years they succeeded at times and they saw just how human I could be. Because for all my ideals that didn't change the fact that I am human and humans deal with these very inconvenient things called emotions.  

     I see now that I have always lived in state where emotional stability was my number one goal. It wasn't something I grew up around. My family could get pretty emotional (like any other family I suppose) and I didn't like it . So my goal since youth, because I have always been a people pleaser and a tad OCD (When it comes to myself) , was to be completely stable emotionally. That is something I think I have always known about myself but haven't known how to express, even to myself. But the problem is my emotional stability was a cheap imitation because I didn't allow myself any type of filter. So what happens when you don't have a filter? Eventually you blow up. So, though I have not lived a constant life of crazy emotions, I have blown up quite a few times. 

     Where's the balance I ask? Well here's a shocker even to me. I have great ideals. I think that I am beyond fair with people except for one person... Myself. I'm a complete jerk to me. And in my perfectionist mind I have made a list of what I should be and also a list of everywhere that I fail. I let other people be exactly who they are but I can't allow myself to really open up and be who I am.... Crazy stuff!

     So here's where it changed. One of my dear friends told me once that when I (specifically me) was angry about things that was the point where I really cared. I waved that off because I DON'T LIKE BEING ANGRY. But over the past couple of months I have fought anger. And at one point I became angry because I felt "misunderstood" (laughter). Then I saw what my friend meant and it made me super happy because that meant that I was beginning to really care about MYSELF.

     Now I might really not like getting angry (I'm pretty sure that's true). That's ok. That's who I am. I might like to see the good in others. That's ok. as long as I see the good in me too. I might avoid showing emotion. That's ok. As long as I deal with things. So in just the past few weeks... well really just a week and a half I have done some major... Changing? Soul searching? Yoda inspired therapy? I have no idea what to call it. The point is I've taking hobbies back up that seemed pointless because they didn't really fit the mold I was going for. For one I'm writing again and I didn't think I had anything worth saying (and maybe I don't but that's ok by me), I'm drawing again (considering painting again), I'm reading like crazy,I'm into photography, music (I'm playing the piano again and thinking about re-stringing my violin) I'm working out??? Yeah I actually am getting some exercise in! In fact I found roller blades today which I am super stoked about, but that's besides the point. I'm thinking about taking up yoga or something fun and cliche.I watch way to many episodes of Gilmore Girls. I'm not pining after anyone and I'm actually enjoying independence (though I am a girl and that is always subject to change)! I'm mostly content (as content as humans can be). I guess the point is I'm allowing myself to be happy. And happy with the things that aren't how I planned them but are how things are. Sounds hippy? Good it will go with my ideals then!

     Waiting for the God part? Why yes there is one. God made me special and He loves me very much!                  (Same goes for you!!!)

     So in thinking of a name for this post I thought about music. Now I'm a big music fan... I'm not that knowledgeable about music but like most things in my life I'm not all that picky. If I like the sound I like it! In saying that I was thinking of the tone of the blog and it's almost like two extremes of music... you have my chilled out Bob Marley self who proclaims "don't worry bout a thing" and you have my "we could have had it all" Adele side. I honestly like them both. (Not sure if that's ok to say but I'm becoming a big fan of honesty.)  Hence, the title Bob Marley vs. Adele. For some there is no comparison... That's fine. That's what respect is for. Laughter :) I guess what I'm really trying to say is I'm going to have really happy times and really sad times, angry times too. That's life and I think maybe I'm finally ok with admitting that. So Thank you Bob and Adele for your parts in life!