Que Sera Sera's literal meaning is "Whatever will be will be". I definitely Googled it and Wikipedia tells me (for whatever that is worth) that it is derived from Spanish words used in English Syntax. So it is basically a hybrid phrase that wouldn't hold up anywhere.The point of opening this blog like this is because I want to talk a little bit about some thoughts and they just so happen to tie into the phrase.
I am ridiculously passive. I hate confrontation. I hate being angry. I laugh with just about every emotion because I am no good at handling any emotion but happy. Some of my most hated memories are times I've cried in front of people or have gotten angry in front of them. I tend to lean toward a hippy mentality in a way and sometimes I blame it on the "Que Sera Sera" mentality that has been driven into me since birth. My tendency is to look at confrontation as something that can be avoided after a thorough investigation of what I might need to change in my own attitude. Now that might sound noble or whatever, but I'm starting to see it as an excuse because I am afraid of confrontation in itself. As I said before I'm the youngest of six so I'm definitely not used to winning! So really my point is that I have discovered that I would much rather love people despite their faults, see their strengths and just be open minded. I love the idea of open mindedness. Whether that is actually possible I do not know because my tendency is to be open minded towards everyone but closed minded people... I have a hard time with them. So the closed minded circle is completed by me ironically!
So here's the thing, that all sounds just peachy. Way to go Kaytha you have found the meaning of life with your long flowy hair and love for herbal tea! (I really do like herbal tea A LOT!) Now really let's get to the heart of the issue... while these ideas are very fine and dandy, and yes they will probably always hold weight with me, here's something I've realized. If something makes me truly angry that's when I know I care about it the most. Gasp! Wait that seems completely against my ideals right? Well yes and no. In the past 3 years I have seen a major change in me.
When I first started working for the ministry I mentioned before, I was ridiculously chill. Not much really made me angry. I liked people there. I had just come from a place of people I thought to be narrow minded (and maybe they were... I don't really care that much now) so this new place was like heaven. My co-workers used to ask what would make me angry and they would actually try to be the one to make me angry. Well in the following 3 years they succeeded at times and they saw just how human I could be. Because for all my ideals that didn't change the fact that I am human and humans deal with these very inconvenient things called emotions.
I see now that I have always lived in state where emotional stability was my number one goal. It wasn't something I grew up around. My family could get pretty emotional (like any other family I suppose) and I didn't like it . So my goal since youth, because I have always been a people pleaser and a tad OCD (When it comes to myself) , was to be completely stable emotionally. That is something I think I have always known about myself but haven't known how to express, even to myself. But the problem is my emotional stability was a cheap imitation because I didn't allow myself any type of filter. So what happens when you don't have a filter? Eventually you blow up. So, though I have not lived a constant life of crazy emotions, I have blown up quite a few times.
Where's the balance I ask? Well here's a shocker even to me. I have great ideals. I think that I am beyond fair with people except for one person... Myself. I'm a complete jerk to me. And in my perfectionist mind I have made a list of what I should be and also a list of everywhere that I fail. I let other people be exactly who they are but I can't allow myself to really open up and be who I am.... Crazy stuff!
So here's where it changed. One of my dear friends told me once that when I (specifically me) was angry about things that was the point where I really cared. I waved that off because I DON'T LIKE BEING ANGRY. But over the past couple of months I have fought anger. And at one point I became angry because I felt "misunderstood" (laughter). Then I saw what my friend meant and it made me super happy because that meant that I was beginning to really care about MYSELF.
Now I might really not like getting angry (I'm pretty sure that's true). That's ok. That's who I am. I might like to see the good in others. That's ok. as long as I see the good in me too. I might avoid showing emotion. That's ok. As long as I deal with things. So in just the past few weeks... well really just a week and a half I have done some major... Changing? Soul searching? Yoda inspired therapy? I have no idea what to call it. The point is I've taking hobbies back up that seemed pointless because they didn't really fit the mold I was going for. For one I'm writing again and I didn't think I had anything worth saying (and maybe I don't but that's ok by me), I'm drawing again (considering painting again), I'm reading like crazy,I'm into photography, music (I'm playing the piano again and thinking about re-stringing my violin) I'm working out??? Yeah I actually am getting some exercise in! In fact I found roller blades today which I am super stoked about, but that's besides the point. I'm thinking about taking up yoga or something fun and cliche.I watch way to many episodes of Gilmore Girls. I'm not pining after anyone and I'm actually enjoying independence (though I am a girl and that is always subject to change)! I'm mostly content (as content as humans can be). I guess the point is I'm allowing myself to be happy. And happy with the things that aren't how I planned them but are how things are. Sounds hippy? Good it will go with my ideals then!
Waiting for the God part? Why yes there is one. God made me special and He loves me very much! (Same goes for you!!!)
So in thinking of a name for this post I thought about music. Now I'm a big music fan... I'm not that knowledgeable about music but like most things in my life I'm not all that picky. If I like the sound I like it! In saying that I was thinking of the tone of the blog and it's almost like two extremes of music... you have my chilled out Bob Marley self who proclaims "don't worry bout a thing" and you have my "we could have had it all" Adele side. I honestly like them both. (Not sure if that's ok to say but I'm becoming a big fan of honesty.) Hence, the title Bob Marley vs. Adele. For some there is no comparison... That's fine. That's what respect is for. Laughter :) I guess what I'm really trying to say is I'm going to have really happy times and really sad times, angry times too. That's life and I think maybe I'm finally ok with admitting that. So Thank you Bob and Adele for your parts in life!
No comments:
Post a Comment