And I am Glad

     There is something so very artistic and freeing about writing. And for me this is a big deal because I am neither artistic or always free. I have realized in my short years of living that I would be mainly seen as one who lives on the cautious side of life... as I type this my mind is vehemently in denile. I have lived a bit, my mind argues, there hasn't really been a time that I have not been seeking the next move or the new adventure... But at the same time I have been safe. While I do love to move about and try new things I have crippled myself by observing the opinions of others perhaps more than I should. As a self diagnosed people pleaser I have always felt the need to be wild enough to satisfy the cravings of my soul for freedom and adventure but also timid enough as to not upset anyone. These things have always been in the back of my head. I've known my traits and have excused them for quite some time now. And this is something I would like to discuss or rather the realization that has come to me recently and is even coming as I type!
     I grew up with quite an obsession with perfection. If I could truly self diagnose I would call myself a bit OCD. I was one with a plan, always a plan. However, I had a meaningful change in high school... or more towards the end of it I should say. See I became something that proved to be very special in my life. I became a Christ follower. Now before you scoff or stop reading I am desperate to show you that it isn't all bad. I am by no means here to judge anyone or to preach. I am here to share my thoughts on life. My life just so happens to include a lot of Jesus. I was raised in the church. Both parents wonderful people who did their best the same as any other parents. I was the youngest of six and in being such I learned early on what not to be if I were to make people happy. And if people were happy then I would be happy. I lived in this confused state for a good bit of time and let me tell you I was a good kid. It took some very special people to open my eyes just a tiny bit to what I was missing out on. I learned so much during those important high school years. I learned about self sacrifice, I learned about friendships, I learned about myself and things I needed to let go of and most importantly I learned about planning. Now planning is not all bad... but I have since given up on making my own plans because life has an interesting way of taking you where it wants you anyway. I became very much aware of my need for a savior and I found who I was looking for in Christ. So like any young "radical" (as I thought I was at the time) I bought into all the things I believed I needed to do. And the main thing I decided, thanks to a trip to super summer and going crazy about Jeff Johnson's then new song "Ruin Me", was that I would ask God to ruin my plans and take me where he wanted me. So I did this but somehow I thought that God and I had already discussed what was best for me and that included the planned 4 years in college to become a Journalist who traveled, did mission work and took at least one semester to study abroad and write a book before settling down to a life of "CHRISTIAN" bliss with a husband and kids and still a great adventuress life that would be captured by the pages I would produce. Oh goodness that makes me laugh now and that was only five years ago. Well I got what I asked for... come sophomore year my plans would be dashed against the rocks of reality or as I like to think divine intervention. God took me away from those goals and allowed me to enter the mission field without a shiny degree. Now the way God did that and is doing that has been very very painful. I have just now come to grips that maybe college isn't in the plan (even though I think I want it to be so badly) a husband and kids might not be in the plan either at least perhaps none of my own. I've had times when I've been completely lost and without any hope of direction. Other times I have seen doors open that I had no idea where they would lead and I can honestly say I have entered most of them. But this post was not meant to be all about my past... It was meant to be about my future.
     I spent the last couple of years working in a ministry that I have truly loved. I have felt a call to it and have received radical blessings in that place. I have pursued school off and on for the last four years and have just recently been seeing how maybe God is taking me in a different direction and maybe the end goal won't be journalism after all. I feel that I have come to a stop sign in my life and have been allowed to choose a new direction or simply stay where I am at. I can see myself as a writer. I love it. But I cannot see myself in the life I once imagined. I want so badly to be helpful to others. I have no idea what that looks like at the moment and maybe that will be through writing. One thing I do know is I want to learn to love, care for and serve others the way I see that Jesus did. I feel like perhaps He is opening some doors that I hadn't expected in that area (perhaps more on that later). 
     Well as a wise friend once told me (very recently in fact), " When Jesus calls, you jump". And that is exactly what I am striving to do and also that is something I feel will and has been a theme for my life. I am starting something new and it is beyond exciting. Sometimes I still feel like my plans would have been grander and that perhaps God wouldn't mind a slight detour from wherever he is taking me. But I know that God gave me a desire for perfection and for pleasing others for a reason... Because something I've realized is I am seeking the only perfection that is true and that is Him and though it has and will be a long journey my desire to please people is slowly but surely becoming a desire to please Him. 
     Now my jump right now seems so very minuscule to me at the moment and I have been frustrated with God and my life lately (Don't worry I can say that... He already knows). It's been a hard year (Well a hard couple of years, but especially hard this year) And I may be a bit more broken (Which actually makes me more moldable I'm told), a bit sadder, a bit more likely to curse when I stub my toe, a bit less of the nice girl I started out as... but all of that is just proof that God has done what I asked him to do in that dimly lit chapel while Jeff Johnson sang out "Ruin my life. The plans that I've made. Ruin desires for my own selfish gain. Destroy the idols that have taking your place. Til it's you alone I live for. You alone I live for." Though I didn't know what those words would mean for me I still do not regret saying them. For in saying them I can see how God has fulfilled his promise and given me what I asked of him. No my life is by no means conventional and I'm sure all my married friends feel sorry for me but something I have learned is that He has made me glad even though I have not seen it everyday. God is faithful even when I forget to be.