Here's something I've been thinking about for the last few hours... but first it all started when I watched this video (Which I had been avoiding because it is all over Facebook and it looked band wagon-y)
So I hope you watched it because it is beyond inspiring! The kind of love that must take on both of their parts. For her to care for him and take his disabilities as her own, to give up young dreams... and for him to nourish her spiritually even when it must be so hard for him to know that he can't take care of her in physical ways... that is love and it is inspiring.
I've been thinking about them since I watched this video and I put myself in their shoes... Could I do that? I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle that as well as they have. I'm afraid I would be to selfish. But through their suffering they are bringing glory to God. That is their cause. It's not about their hardships. It's not about creating awareness for their hardships. It is about seeing God in it all. Amazing amazing people. They are not my cause, though I find their story to be so encouraging and worthy of support. My cause is a lot like theirs. It's exactly like theirs in fact. My cause is Christ and bringing him glory. To bring Him glory in my happy moments, in my hardships, in times that I don't understand.
I went on a blog tangent after seeing this video and reading some of their blog posts. I read a friends blog where she talked about her desire for a renewed passion for Christ. And I realized I wanted that too. I feel like I'm slipping so often. I'm not where I was and I can't figure out if that's good or bad. I miss my naive self. I miss the me that was so very happy and hopeful. I miss my lofty ideas. I miss the way I knew what was right without question. Life has changed and it has changed me. My OCD nature sees this as a failure. My new sense of accepting myself sees this as growth, as a chance for God to work in me. So in realizing that I wanted a renewed passion and that I am exactly where God wants me to be personally, I came to the conclusion (and so did my friend in her blog) that I will not be able to renew my passion for Christ by shear effort. God is the one who creates the passion. He created the desire in my heart for that passion... for Him. Yes I should probably spend more time seeking him and less time seeking others approval or recognition. I should spend more time seeking Him than my dreams for the future. I should just spend more time seeking Him.
Possible reasons why I don't seek him???
Maybe I'm scared He will hurt me?
Yep that sounds super weird and I'm almost sad that I typed it, but carry on I must. I'm afraid that He will do what I ask him (See "And I am Glad"). I'm scared that He won't do what I ask. I'm scared of what He will ask of me. I'm scared He will ask me to do it alone. I'm scared that any of this could make me bitter. I really want to love God, but I'm scared that I won't be any good at it.
If I seek Him I can't seek other things?
Once again weird. I want so so many things that I'm afraid that He won't let me pursue. Or that He won't let pursue me.... So if I just don't get His opinion I can feign innocence right?
I have already failed?
I am convinced I am OCD because I can't get past the whole "Kaytha is a screw up" thing. Somehow I get it in my mind that I am so "powerful" that my actions can't be overcome by a truly all powerful God. Who, by the way, created this "screw up".
Those are just a few of the things that have been or are issues for me. There's a simple fix to all of these issues... They are all birthed from being afraid... but "God did not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, love and self discipline" - 2 Timothy 1:7 And that is just one of the verses where God assures us that it is not out of our power but His.
In all of this thought processing I thought about all of the woman I've always admired.
Amy Carmichael. “You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.”
“It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires which He creates"
An amazing woman who served, so faithfully, (by herself!) children in India.
My Mom! She has always been the perfect example of what a wife and mother should be. Through my Dad's illness she always said "We will not feel sorry for ourselves. No matter how badly we are hurting there is someone else out there who is hurting more than us."
Strong independent woman who loved more than they were loved, gave more than they were given, and trusted in something outside of themselves for their strength (My mom still does all these things) You can see why they are worthy of admiration. I suppose through all of these thoughts God is teaching me that my cause is for Him first, then to love and serve others. My cause is to be kind and compassionate. My cause is to see the good in others that is not easily seen. My cause is to be like Him.
Though I wish I had the focus and the passion to jump on worthy band wagons, I now see that the only cause worth pursuing is the cause of Christ. He creates my passion, He created the things that I pursue. He created my personality and He has a purpose that I alone can serve. More promises that fulfill me, renew my passion and give me a sense of hope. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment